So Lost And Angry

I feel left out of the loop evey day. I'm constantly confused by even phrases people use that don't make sense, the way things work that seem odd to me but common knowlegde to everyone else.
I feel hideous and stupid pretty much all day and am on the verge of agoraphobia most the time, at lease xenophobia.
Things that are ok for others, and are ok, I am not allowed to do, like looking noticably fat, having terrible hair or wearing sweat pants to the store would make me feel so white trash I'd have a panic attack. I insist in having about 20 major projects going at once like I'm trying to prove to everyone that I'm productive and talented but really none of the projects get enough attention to be any good. everything I do for myselft is a panic driven competition against no one, and no one is watching. I have maybe 2 friends, who I can't talk to of course and my bottled up self loathing and misery make me angry all the time.
Then I feel really selfish and guilty for thinking I'm special or different or that anyone is even looking at me at all so I just look down all the time and avoid speaking to anyone but the person I'm with.
I've really wanted to off myself lately because regardless of how beautiful the world is and the fact that I get to travel to new places all the time, it's so painful to be me. I work myself to death trying to prove to myself and others that I'm normal but I know it won't actually work. I've always felt like this but the older I get the more horrible I feel that haven't managed to accomplish anything near normalcy.
It seems like if I even had one close friends who could relate, we could be weirdos together but all friends I though were like me found people of their own, had kids, joined bands and left me behind.
I dont know what to do.
Lostinthedunes Lostinthedunes
31-35, F
1 Response Apr 28, 2011

-hugs- It sounds like you might have an anxiety disorder. It's hard to pin down and sometimes goes misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. Those feelings are natural and normal. I have them myself from time to time. Very hard to deal with. Very hard to explain to people who don't also feel that way. Have you tried meditation? Or finding that one person who can "talk you down"?? ( I got lucky. I've got three people - one in el Lay, on in Belfast, and one in Nebraska that I can call day or night and they will talk me down!) Something else that I found works for me... Anthony Robbins has a book called 365 days to change your life. I read it, one page a day and do the exercise. It helps. Also, go on youtube and find Dr. Randy Pauchs's Last Lecture. IT IS AN AWESOME THING TO WATCH!!!! I watch it every 6 months or so. I've also found that certain music relaxes me. When things get too stressful, I've found that Metallica's MASTER OF PUPPETS calms me down and makes me focus. -hugs- you are not alone.