All Consuming Fear Of Finding Biological Parent!!!!!

I have an all consuming fear of looking for my biological father. I am terrified that I will be rejected. I struggle constantly with wanting to move forward and just doing it and remaining stagnant because of my fear of rejection. I don't have much to go on except a lot of negative things that I heard from my mother. I think she has told me a lot of things to dissuade me from even wanting to look. She is a screw up of a parent and will do anything to protect herself. Fact of the matter is that my real father did stay away my whole life. He left me behind with a manic depressed mess. I think he could have made a world of difference in just being around. My mother would have been kept on her toes instead of just treating me however she wanted to because she had no one to answer to. I want to know if he has a family, if maybe I have other siblings. Family is so important to me and since the relationship between my mother and myself is so strained; my kids don't have a lot of extended family. My husband's family lives in another state and between the both of us there isn't even a grandfather for our children. I feel the missing piece of myself everyday. Has anyone ever been through this and if so was it worth it? Even if he rejected me at least I would know to close that chapter of my life. But it would sincerely hurt so much because I don't really have any parent.
Gossipfoodie32 Gossipfoodie32
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

Your story really touched me :( i have not gone through this exactly but some thing similar.My mum gave me away to my Nan the day i was born because of her issues and i have lived with her all my life . I never knew my dad till i was about 7 and that was only because i asked to see him .My sister always got to see him for the 7 years that i didn't. I always feel my parents rejected me that i was not worth what my siblings were .This said i don't regret asking to see my father ,i some times feel sad about how he has treated me and i feel jealous of his relationship with my sister but we have a relationship now and in my mind that was better than nothing .I hope this has helped in some way and i hope you feel better about it soon .Good luck :) I hope it all works out for you .