I'm 38 years old, and from my earliest memories I have been alone. Only slightly after my first memory of loneliness came my first feeling of being undeserving. I grew up in a cold home. My mother adored my father, but I always had the impression he was unsatisfied with how his life had developed. He was constantly disappointed in me, no matter what. He would always tell me I could do better, that my problem was that I took the easy way. When I hit high school, he basically wrote me off as a waste of time, and stopped interacting with me, sometimes for months at a time. Mom had serious health problems, and there just wasn't time for me. With his passing, she withdrew into her own moment of frozen time, and it hasn't changed in 17 years.
My adult life has simply been an echo of my childhood. I've never had many friends, and can say in all honesty that I've never had a true one. I've always felt like I'm intruding on the lives of those around me, and after a while, I stop coming around. No one ever asks why. And, to my knowledge, no one has ever loved me. I've never been in any kind of romantic relationship, and the few times someone has affected me enough to tell them I have feelings for them, rejection has been universal. Outright anger a few times, and disgust a close second. I'm not ugly, I'm most certainly not stupid, and co-workers and acquaintances laugh at my wit every day. But I am left with the conclusion I am simply undeserving of being anything more than I am.
I've been alone so long that it's become all I know. I've stopped trying to make connections, to feel anything beyond a vague love of my fellow human beings. But I do fall in love every once in a great while, and against my better judgement, I try to connect, try to be what I think they want. It never works. Never. And I'm just tired of trying.
I know I deserve better. I know I am capable of such a great amount of love. And I know that this is likely just a phase in my life. But that little voice in the back of my head never goes away. It alwasy tells me how I will always be alone, no one will ever love me. Sometimes it drowns out everything. Patience is supposed to be a virtue, but more often it is a punishment. I want a life, a circle of real friends. I want a family of my own. The future is unknown, and I'm trying so hard. But it's beyond hard. It's excruciating.
Just some anonymous musings from a solitary man.
solitary42 solitary42
41-45, M
Aug 30, 2014