I Feel Lonely, My Bed Is Empty
I never really had any problems growing up, until the ripe age of my sophomore year. I used to be able to laugh so hard until my stomach hurt. That is a feeling long gone for me, as in my main years from Sophi-Junior years I would feel an urge to drop to the ground after laughing. I realized that something was wrong during sophomore year when i experienced some nostalgic memories of myself when I was a kid.
I was always thinking of myself as a comedian to make my friends, or myself burst into laughing. Well upon thinking back when I was a kid, I thought to myself I had never fallen ever when I was a kid after laughing, so why am I doing it now? How come I couldn't stand when I was laughing, or when I made jokes to girls I liked; I wouldn't be able to finish the joke instead I would jut slowly lose control of my body. As if my thoughts of what happened converged of the blackness of my mind I felt like I was still awake. I could hear every one, what they were saying and what was happening. Dreams, and nightmares all started to feel real, why was I waking up in the middle of the morning with cold sweats feeling over energized. Even when I was asleep, I would tell myself to wake up because I felt as if I were conscious.
No matter how hard i tried to wake up i couldn't move an inch. I Did a sleep test and was diagnosed with Narcolepsy/ Cataplexy. I began looking down on people such as friends and people. In high school a lot of my friends smoked weed and did drugs. Every time I would look at them and it would **** me off. They have a perfect mental condition and they want to change it by the use of drugs. They don't need marijuana to stop them from fallen to sleep, they don't need pills to make it through the whole day. It was pathetic they did not need any thing to change the chemical balance of their brain and yet they did and had no symptoms of mental illness just stupidity.
Why would some one like me be diagnosed with narcolepsy, no one knows it's just random. I just thought my life is over, and for a time it was. I exercised frequently, ate healthy food to an extent. I played sports, and activities with friends every day. I never Smoked cigarettes, or even marijuana. I socially drank like twice a year.
So out of millions why me... no one had an answer. I never found any one near me that had the same problem, no one could even understand what i was going through at the time. They all thought it was a big joke, but i hated it, even though i would but a big fake smile so no one would bother me about it. N o one could understand me, because i no one else had the same illness. I would always joke around with friends, and they would say "Hung what if you found a narcoleptic girlfriend" as small jokes they would think was humorous. I played along of course and smiled, all I thought to myself if at least she would understand what I was going through. I just went on with daily life as if it was a tv show, days going by like nothing because i was never awake to see the day finish.
At moments I would get depressed, its hard to go through stuff like this by yourself. No one to give you advice on such a rare condition, just suck it up and deal with it. I see my brother and his girlfriend, he always has some one there to comfort him. I began to feel that maybe I didn't deserve one, maybe this is for being an *** to people on some occasions. People will always try to pretend to understand what you go through, but the only ones that can are the ones who experience it with you. I just kept putting on a fake smile for people until high school was over, because in my own mind I was more alone even when i had friends around me.
I had never tried to find people like me, or reach out to people like me. I just found this site when i was looking for a new bed (irony) , I want to be with people who go through what i do. Possibly go retreat to the feeling of finding a girl like me, we don't have to go out or do anything I just want to be with some one i can relate to, and some one who i can potentially like.
Until then I'll just suck it up and put on a fake smile until i meet some one like me.
I was always thinking of myself as a comedian to make my friends, or myself burst into laughing. Well upon thinking back when I was a kid, I thought to myself I had never fallen ever when I was a kid after laughing, so why am I doing it now? How come I couldn't stand when I was laughing, or when I made jokes to girls I liked; I wouldn't be able to finish the joke instead I would jut slowly lose control of my body. As if my thoughts of what happened converged of the blackness of my mind I felt like I was still awake. I could hear every one, what they were saying and what was happening. Dreams, and nightmares all started to feel real, why was I waking up in the middle of the morning with cold sweats feeling over energized. Even when I was asleep, I would tell myself to wake up because I felt as if I were conscious.
No matter how hard i tried to wake up i couldn't move an inch. I Did a sleep test and was diagnosed with Narcolepsy/ Cataplexy. I began looking down on people such as friends and people. In high school a lot of my friends smoked weed and did drugs. Every time I would look at them and it would **** me off. They have a perfect mental condition and they want to change it by the use of drugs. They don't need marijuana to stop them from fallen to sleep, they don't need pills to make it through the whole day. It was pathetic they did not need any thing to change the chemical balance of their brain and yet they did and had no symptoms of mental illness just stupidity.
Why would some one like me be diagnosed with narcolepsy, no one knows it's just random. I just thought my life is over, and for a time it was. I exercised frequently, ate healthy food to an extent. I played sports, and activities with friends every day. I never Smoked cigarettes, or even marijuana. I socially drank like twice a year.
So out of millions why me... no one had an answer. I never found any one near me that had the same problem, no one could even understand what i was going through at the time. They all thought it was a big joke, but i hated it, even though i would but a big fake smile so no one would bother me about it. N o one could understand me, because i no one else had the same illness. I would always joke around with friends, and they would say "Hung what if you found a narcoleptic girlfriend" as small jokes they would think was humorous. I played along of course and smiled, all I thought to myself if at least she would understand what I was going through. I just went on with daily life as if it was a tv show, days going by like nothing because i was never awake to see the day finish.
At moments I would get depressed, its hard to go through stuff like this by yourself. No one to give you advice on such a rare condition, just suck it up and deal with it. I see my brother and his girlfriend, he always has some one there to comfort him. I began to feel that maybe I didn't deserve one, maybe this is for being an *** to people on some occasions. People will always try to pretend to understand what you go through, but the only ones that can are the ones who experience it with you. I just kept putting on a fake smile for people until high school was over, because in my own mind I was more alone even when i had friends around me.
I had never tried to find people like me, or reach out to people like me. I just found this site when i was looking for a new bed (irony) , I want to be with people who go through what i do. Possibly go retreat to the feeling of finding a girl like me, we don't have to go out or do anything I just want to be with some one i can relate to, and some one who i can potentially like.
Until then I'll just suck it up and put on a fake smile until i meet some one like me.
By:
HungTrinh
Age:
18-21
,
Male
