I Don't Feel Lost, I Am Lost.

It has been two weeks, the longest weeks of my life.  We were married for 35 years.  He has been sick about 25 of those years.  He was hurt 21 years ago  since then he was at home all the time.  Last summer I took him to the er because his back was hurting so bad.  They did a cat scan and found bile duct cancer, metastized to the liver, pancrease, spleen, and gall bladder.  They never told us it was stage four until three weeks ago.  Then they gave him only days to live.  I'm sitting in our bedroom with all his things.  This was his domain, he had all his electronic toys in here.  I feel like he will roll in here at any time with his wheel chair.  I was his caregiver for 21 years.  I go to work, and he is suppose to be here when I get back, but he isn't.  I don't know what to do.  I started back to work Monday, I have no desire to do anything, but to wait for his return.  I know he is not hurting anymore, he is in God's hands but we had made a pack to go together.  Everyone tells me our children could not handle that.  But it hurts so bad.  I don't care to eat, can't sleep, and I don't care to see or here from anyone.  We live in Louisiana, in the middle of cancer alley.  The area from above Baton Rouge to New Orleans, has the highest  cancer rate than anyother place in the country.  Look it up on the internet.

waynemyhero waynemyhero
56-60, F
8 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I'm so sorrty for your loss. we are left behind with so much uncertainty and deal with how to go on?

Dear Jessie,<br />
<br />
I've tried to respond in length to your above message and every time, somehow, it get's lost. Would you mind writing directly to me on EP? Maybe that will work better. I really want to talk to you about all of this. <br />
<br />
Waiting anxiously for your mail.<br />
<br />
God Bless You Always,

My heart and prayers go out to all of you. I also lost my precious Husband, Soulmate, Best Friend, my everything, 5 years, 9 months and 25 days ago to the ruthless, deliberate hands of his doctor. His doctor deliberately killed him. I still cry every day, I still feel so alone, I still feel incomplete, I still feel totally lost, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere, even with our own Children and Grandchildren. It's true, everyone says that "It gets easier", but I don't feel it either. One suggestion I can make is for everyone here to find the book "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. It is compelling.<br />
<br />
If anyone here would like to talk with me, I'm here for all of you.<br />
<br />
God Bless You All

Dear LKRK,
I am so sorry to hear of the traumatic loss of your husband. When you say the doctor deliberately killed your husband, what are you really saying? How did this happen?
I also feel that my husband was deliberately killed by his doctors not telling us in the beginning that he was stage 4 to begin with. They kept that little bit of information to theirselves until they received many many dollars from Medicare and other insurance . This came by three terrible weeks of radiation treatments and one chemo session that was so strong that he nearly died on that very day. At that point they finally told us he was stage 4. It appeared to me that they knew he was at the near point of death at first diagnosis but gave us hope if he had these treatments. The treatments only made him worse and he suffered greatly. To me, this incident was at the hands of greed in this world and money hungry doctors that don't care about any one but theirselves. And besides all that went wrong, when my husband died in hospice the clinic that gave him the treatments didn't even have the courtesy of calling me and giving me their condolences. I hate cancer and everything associated with it. I would not put any of my loved ones through these treatments again and I would demand to know in the beginning if they do have cancer to tell me what stage they are in. If they are a stage 4 I certainly would not even think of doing treatments but to allow my loved ones to die naturally without putting poison in their bodies.
Jessie

I lost my husband to lung cancer with secondarys' to his bones on 31/12/2009, our sons 22nd Birthday. He died in the Hospice, I'm heartbroken and I know I'll never be me again. I miss him so much and feel totally lost even though I live with my daughter and son in law ,and family are all around me. He was my one true love, and we were married for 37 years. People say time heals, but I can't feel that , I hope so, sometimes I think you do feel like just going with them, but then I think of my poor children who are also grieving, but I'm so unhappy. Every day I cry for what we had, my head and heart are full of memories, but nothing helps. Where do I go from here, every day is torture

I feel your suffering and agonize every word with you. I lost my husband of 27 years last March of cancer. It is the most painful experience I have ever endured. I admire you because you dealt with an illness for a much longer period. My was shorter. I like to remind myself, when I am feeling low, how much strength it took to get through this ordeal. I admit I am still on the journey and this last year I have "forgiven" myself for the maladies of grief. It does take time. You never really forget. But, each day is a little easier. You cry with great sadness. I slept on his side of the bed for a month and would not wash the sheets. People may not want to say these things in public but they are real. You will begin when you are ready. Give yourself a big hug. He loved you. You loved him. What could be better than that!

I am sorry for your loss. your husband is in a better place where there is no pain, no sickness and no tears. it is we, the ones left behind that are in pain because selfishly we want them here with us. I had a boyfriend die several years ago in a car fire. he lived 3 weeks past the fire, and he was in horriable pain then the infections took his life. he was only 38 years old. you learn to go on, but you will never forget. it will take a long time, but take it slow. remember to eat. try to eat healty stuff and drink water, these things I simply forgot to do. making yourself sick only makes things worse. you will be in my prayers,

I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I can empathize with you as I lost my mom (at age 61) almost a year ago and on my birthday. She had an incurable endometrioidal cancer and fought it for 6 years. She was under hospice care for 3 weeks before she passed away quietly at home with my dad and I by her side. It still tears me to shreds to think of her not there when I go home. I'm sharing my story in the hopes it will help you to not feel so alone. I have often thought how it isn't fair that she is gone and at a young age. 2 1/2 months prior to that I lost my grandma so 2009 was a very hard year. Often times when I am really feeling depressed and can't seem to stop crying I ask myself "would mom want me upset?". It doesn't always work but I try anyway. If your depression is affecting your life so much that you can't eat or sleep, you really should talk with your doctor about that. You have got to take care of yourself! My dad has been going through what you are for the past year and it pains me to think of him alone after 42 years together with my mom. I am here if you need to talk. ((hugs))

Hon, it's only been 2 weeks you are in shock it's a long painful journey we are on I can't give you any words of wisdom because my journey is still taking my breath away sometimes all I can say is lean on those around you who love you and let them in and help you. You and your family are in my thoughts.