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I Sure Do.

When I get home from work I go straight to my room. There is never anyone here but me. My mum doesn't get home until late but by then I'm usually in bed. I just don't know what to do with my time. I can't focus my thoughts on doing anything in particular so I mince around doing nothing. I sit down, I stare some of the time away, I pace around attempting to tidy up things but never quite manage it. I am lost in my life and I think I can actually feel the time ticking away. I hate the way I am, I hate that I can't connect with people in RL and I hate that I don't want to try most of the time. The thing that troubles me the most is that I have the shortest attention span imaginable. I can't throw myself into any one particular thing, I get bored too easily. I try to draw, I try to play my guitar, I try to write poetry, but I can't do it, any of it, I can't concentrate for long enough. I try to sleep to pass some of the time but I don't sleep well. But why pass the time? Where is time taking me? I'm on a journey to nowhere. Everything I hope for in life never seems to get here and I can't make any of it happen.

EP used to ease my frustrations but lately I feel that I am lost here too. I used to get to talk to this one person everyday but now I don't, and haven't done for weeks / months. I am in a different time zone to alot of my friends here and when I get home from work no one ever seems to be online until late into the evening. Even then I struggle with starting conversations, I don't know what to say and I don't want to seem as if I am bugging anyone.

It has been a bad day today and I realise I just sound crazy, so I guess now I'll just go and kill a bit more time.


ASortaFairytale ASortaFairytale 26-30, F 2 Responses Dec 9, 2007

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I know how you feel. I have felt lost for 7 years, since my divorce. I can't find a place that feels right, or a sense of purpose . I remarried recently and it's been awful. I thought I'd feel more settled but I seem to be uneasy here. Long story. I keep hoping things will get better. I am a Southern girl in a Northern town and can't seem to connect with anyone. Too much depression is killing me and I think I've bugged some friends on EP. I think they are getting tired of me. I hope things get better for you soon. And for me.:)

Wow you pretty much just said everything I do/have been thinking for the past year. Also you sound like me in that you might have avoidant personality disorder or something like it. It can really cripple parts of your life without most people noticing that there's something really wrong with you. I just recently discovered this about myself. Maybe I can do something about it, but that ****** side of me is like you, frustrated and hesitant and...blah.