I Feel Purposeless.I have long periods of time when i dont have anything to do, and instead of relaxing, as i seem to have lost that ability, i just sit and ask what i should do. This isnt the off-hand "what shall i do to occupy my time" this is the deeper what shall i do, how shall i proceed with my life, it is a given that i keep breathing, but should i get up and eat something? do i try to read a book? or do i just sit here?
I feel no motivation to do anything, except i know i should do SOMETHING. i feel like i have lost my purpose, if i ever had one. It is not a good feeling to have no purpose. I have hundreds of films, i have solid weeks worth of television, i have many books, Xbox games, Playstation games, i have computer games, online communities like EP that i contribute to, although none of them work as a distraction, i dont get bored, so much as grow impatient, Im wasting time, i should be doing something. I feel empty and pointless and helpless, and all i want to do is find a purpose, to stop feeling so pointless.
I cant stand feeling so alone. Isolated from everything around me, everything has a purpose, everything has a point to being here, something to do, and everyone finds some cause or motivation that gives their time and their actions some importance. But i am here without purpose, without motivation, without anything to do or want or think. Im going crazy with the emptiness of it all, and all i want is this to end, but i cant see any end.
My only respite at this point is when my mind starts to move involuntarily towards thoughts of suicide, where finally i can at least find purpose in trying to keep my mind away from such thoughts.
I have been taking anti-depressants now for 11 days, i can see every damn pill in my head, and they, so far, have done nothing at all. I was told they would take at least a month to START working, but then what do i do for a month? To make it worse, i cant even sleep the time away, if i try my very best, i can sleep at most 6 hours a night, between 3am and 10am, waking up every few hours (usually at 6 and 8) some nights though i cant even get more than 3 hours. So thats 18-21 hours awake every day, no motivation to speak, or move or eat except the ever present thought that i should be doing something, ANYTHING, and even if i do find something to occupy me, the moment it finished, the feeling is as present and strong as if i had done nothing at all.