My Husband Hates His Step-daughter...
This is kind of weird to write, seeing that most entries are about step-parents who hate their step kids, but I am the wife and mother who feels caught between my child and new husband.
I married my second husband last year in October and he and I have a good relationship...although, in the last 8 or 9 months, he's admitted to having a hatred for kids in general and has a low tolerance level for my daughter, who is 7, when she gets into her moods, like a normal 7 year old does...there is a power struggle, which has become less lately, and I am hopeful that it will eventually pass. My daughter talks about my husband like he's a pain to have around and has told me on several occasions that she doesn't want him here with us, and has challenged him many times to his face and becomes defiant. He in turn lashes out and says hurtful things at times, which grates on her nerves, and then he just ignores her...they just don't get along sometimes, and she discredits him, and he impunes her, saying she'll grow up to be some brainless nitwit who takes everything for granted...it's really just him venting.
I feel caught in between because I feel like the "mediator" for those two, who fight like kids sometimes...my husband is not very paternal at all, and it's a struggle for him to play with or be around kids. He's had bad experiences in his family and has seen what a disappointment kids can be at times and what a struggle it is to care for them and it just turns him off completely. He had a vasectomy last year in April, which I supported, but he by all indications at that time said he wanted to be a family with me and my daughter(who he views as a "package deal" but kinda wishes it wasn't that way). He feels horrible for having feelings like this, but that's just the way he is, and I understand not all people like kids...but I wish he hadn't proposed to me without really thinking this through.
He dropped a bomb on me 3 weeks ago saying he feels it would be best for us to go our seperate ways(I couldn't believe he was saying this), and that he thinks my daughter and I would be "better off without him". He really hates kids that much, but still cares deeply about me and my daughter, saying he'd probably drive by her school wondering how she is, and wonder what I'm doing if we did divorce. We talked things through and he did a 180 by saying he'd do anything for me, including going out of his "comfort zone" to try to learn to be a better step-parent, but he's doing this for me, and sometimes I wish I had a man who really did love kids, and wanted to be around my daughter and played with her more, instead of over-extending himself to try and be civil and interactive...I know he's trying, but it's a real strain for him too. There's also the element of physical/emotional attraction involved...a man who truly loves kids and can be a good provider is a real turn on to me, but lately our sex life has become so bland because he just isn't interested in being creative, at least to get me stimulated...men kind of just get straight to the point, and women need more finessing, but if the woman is truly attracted to you in a primal way, then it makes it a lot easier. I have found myself even thinking about how much "better" sex was with my ex-boyfriend. The only reason he and I broke up was because he had trouble with smoking pot, and I gave him 3 chances, and he was "out"...otherwise, when he'd be off it, he really attracted me because he was very good with my daughter and was a very generous soul. He just needed to grow a "backbone" and get his crap together, and keep it together...I knew him pretty darn well, and we dated for almost a year and a half before I had to pull the trigger.
My present husband just kind of tolerates my daughter or gets really negative about her and it's sort of rubbed off on me a little to where I find I have not been able to enjoy my daughter like I used to before my husband came into our lives because I know she can be difficult, but that's because she has a like/hate relationship with my husband. Kids can tell when the adults are faking, and they know if you like kids or not, and I think she picks up on his dislike for kids with him.
Is all this just normal, and will the adjustment take a lot more time, or, as I have thought of recently, is it just not going to work if he really doesn't want to be around kids? Also, he and I make a nice living together, and he's the only man I've met who is actually stable...we have goals in mind together, but my daughter has to factor in our lives as well...I told him that I will always choose my daughter first, so he has to get over it if I give her the preferential attention. He has many good qualities as well, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. Has anyone else ever felt caught in the middle like this with a husband/wife that hates kids??