What Could Possibly Be Next!?

I have always been told that I'm optimistic. I get it from my mom-she lived through such hardship and always kept a smile on her face. I feel like if I became a pessimist it would be a slap in the face to her...but sometimes...Sometimes I just can't help but wonder "why me"?  Sometimes I get swollowed up by these ideas that I'm just doomed to live through bad things because I seem to have the ability to bounce back. I've heard the cliche's; "everything happens for a reason" "God won't give you any burden you can't handle", "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" but so far the one that sums it up for me is a quote by Mother Theresa "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much".  Sometimes I just don't know how much I can take! Sometimes when I start to do something I just wonder what the "real" reason could be? Maybe theres something bad thats suppose to happen and rather then some innocent person get hurt-it just HAS to be me to go through whatever...*sigh*

To sum it up, even though I should go through all of these in more depth for my OWN sanity-Maybe just listing these will give some perspective...even though sometimes I wonder if people even believe me-i wouldnt believe me lol-

I was molested when I was little

I lived in poverty, which meant going without meals at times (and caused hypoglycemia)

I saw domestic violence bw my mom and dad

I grew up around alot of drugs (although my parents didnt do them and ive never tried them)

I was in an abusive relationship

My mom died when I was 15

My dad went to jail when i was 16 (which is how i got into the abusive relationship) 

I've had a gun in my face and a knife to my throat-and those were among many instances of me fighting for my life (again-abusive relationship)

AND of course to top all that off this summer a doctor misdiagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy causing me to lose a baby.

I know lots of people go through these things but it seems like everyone i meet has gone through just ONE maybe TWO but no one has gone through ALL of this! AND I know many of my issues go hand and hand (domestic violence and poverty). Im just tired of feeling like there is an anvil waiting for me and keeping a smile on my face. I'm glad I can make my friends feel better but i wish it was JUST bc i'm a good friend and not because looking at what i have lived through makes their problems seem less bad.                                          



firefly21 firefly21
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 13, 2009

I'm sorry to hear you have been through such a lot.<br />
<br />
Although my experiences are different, I went through a lot of hardship too. I've been told it is these things that make us strong, that make us survivors. <br />
<br />
It's good that you are considered to be an optimist, despite all this. It is far better than being pessimistic. With me, sometimes I'm told I kind of 'invite' bad luck because I 'expect' it, that things will go wrong because I already assume that they will. <br />
<br />
I wish you all the good luck in the world. You have gifts that are unique, that make you YOU.