Lost.So it occurred to me whilst I was out today playing frisbee. It hit me like a rock, the realisation. The realisation the I wasn't good at anything. I didn't fit in anywhere, I had no place or niche to call my own. I never did to be honest. I was always the odd one out, the one to get picked almost last for the teams. I always felt I was invisible, hidden in the shadows. I feel sad. I feel lost. I am not sure what I am supposed to do anymore.
I know a little about a lot of things. I have not really excelled at any one subject. I've tried a lot of things and yet I still don't find anything I like and am good at.
MMA (Which I did for around two years)
Guitar (Which I had lessons for about two years as well, still continue to play every now and then)
Percussion (I changed school so I didn't continue)
Tennis (Which I played with schoolmates for a while but I was pretty terrible at it)
Soccer (Which was after school for "House" participation""
Basketball (Same as above, I was terrible at it though)
Surfing (Was fun though we only did small waves and I'm not too great at swimming.)
Rock Climbing/ abseiling
Gyming (Of which I am still doing and has been my longest commitment)
Brunch Club (Not really an activity as such but you get the gist)
Motorbiking (Still working on getting my license)
Ultimate Frisbee (Of which I found a facebook group and joined them to play)
I contemplated doing dance lessons but then again I've always been a terrible dancer. I feel very self-conscious and my movements are all very reserved. Though perhaps ballroom might be somewhat fun. I honestly don't know what I should or can do anymore. Should I just continue to pursue new things until I find something I like? It gets very tiring I have to say. I really just want to find somewhere where I can relax and be myself. Should I focus my energy on one of the activities so I become good at it? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost, I don't belong anywhere.
The start of this year I pretty much just walked around aimlessly, went to the City and just observed the world and looked for interesting things to do. I hung around the performance arts theatre for around two or three weeks as they had some free performances going on. I feel so, useless. I'm not good at anything, I'm not really interested in anything, I just feel like a waste of space to be honest. Almost everyday I think the world would be better without me wasting resources for others. I want to do something great, something amazing but I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I want to do.
I'm just a traveller without any sense of direction.