So Much to Do So Little Time

There's so much that I want to do with my life: so many aspirations, inspirations, curiosities. Yet, I do so little with my life. It may be a case of paralysis brought on my being between a rock and a hard place. If you have a finite amount of time but so many talents, ambitions, curiosities, how do you choose? Plus, a part of me feels like maybe there's specific things I'm supposed to be doing right now. Maybe I don't have as much choice in the matter as I think I do.

I don't believe in God, but that doesn't preclude the possibility that there might be other things going on in life and in the universe that defy current knowledge. Maybe we do have destinies and fates independent of any traditional idea of God. I don't know. All I know is that I feel torn because there's so much I want to do, and yet internally I feel like there's specific things I should be doing--which may or may not align with what I want to do (or at least with what I THINK I want to do).

For example, I've always written. It would seem pretty apparent to me that writing is a bona fide passion of mine. But what if writing isn't my single greatest passion, or isn't my purpose, or isn't what I'm supposed to do. Obviously, while I do write (duh), I don't write in a focused, directed, meaningful way. I write little things--this, blog entries, emails, notes. Every once in a very long while I'll write a screenplay. If writing were my great passion, I'd think I'd be constantly writing, that I'd have discovered and long-ago begun to develop my writing in a specific style and genre. Maybe I have, and I just don't recognize it.

Another excellent example is how I've always loved computers, and been fascinated by making them do things (otherwise known as programming). I even worked a couple years as a programmer. Initially I loved it, when my job was to be innovative, fast, and brilliant. By the end I hated it, when my position had been reduced to cookie-cutting.

Now, however, I do very little programming. My dad constantly pushes me to make programming my career: go to college, get a degree, learn on [my] own, start [my] own business...but I just don't have it in me. Oh, I tinker with learning programming; I buy books, open them up, do the exercises...but that's about it. At least so far, I haven't gotten very far. I don't focus on it. And that's where I fail to achieve in either writing or programming or language learning; I lack focus.

I lack focus because I have a hard time imagining that anything I'm doing resonates with what I feel I should be doing internally. Yet nothing I've yet encountered has resonated powerfully. The reasons why I still piddle around with writing and programming is that they resonate somewhat, but far short of resonating in full.

I played violin for 11 years, but eventually stopped because I hated the pressure from my parents to practice. It'd stopped bringing me joy. Additionally, it was a way of getting back at them, of establishing my power over them. *I* decided whether or not I could/would practice.

My mom tells me that I used to draw all the time when I was little.

Still, I'm looking for my great passion. But could this be a situation of a dog chasing its tail? Could I be going round and round, convinced that I haven't gotten it get--that it's always just out of reach, when in fact I do have it? Obvious to everyone but the dog is the fact that, while the dog strives to catch its tail, its tail has never gone missing. It cannot be caught because it is, and has always been, attached.

Then there are the overwhelming aspects of dealing with people; learning to pay bills; learning to grow up; learning to be punctual; taking care of yourself...doing your laundry every frikkin week...maintaining your car...calling your friends...there are just so many freakin details. I really dislike details. Comedically enough, I'm also one of those people that digs for as many details as possible: "tell me more about the yellow print on your couch..." I guess that while I hate details I also recognize that--to some extent--life is in the details.

My worth is in the details. If you look at the high level picture my life looks pretty meaningless. You have to get down into the details to see my small victories which get me by, day-to-day. The fact that I've been almost entirely punctual at my job (a real accomplishment for me); or the fact that I'm paying several bills regularly on my own (another accomplishment); or the fact that I'm happy more days than I'm sad; or the fact that I'm living a full life without depression medication (even though I was diagnosed as depressed and prescribed meds).

I just find the whole array of life to be convoluted and overwhelming. Women, love, work, adulthood, dreams...
liferiot liferiot
26-30, M
2 Responses May 9, 2007

Wow I feel that I relate to that very much. And I really like comment 1. I've never heard of that. In all, a lot of specifics relate to me, and I know the feeling! I hope we can come to better understand it.

You need to google "scanner personality". A scanner personality is hard-wired to have many passionate interests rather than a single driving passion. Famous scanners include Leonarda da Vinci (artist and inventor, the original Renaissance Man) and Benjamin Franklin (writer, publisher, inventor, statesman among other things).