I'm Sorry...

Four years ago I meet this handsome and well spoken man. Love at first sight. After we got married the roses stopped, the converstations stopped, and eventually the sex stopped. He focused on his religion and I followed along. The only time we spend together was at church...yes church where he took care of everyone else. He's a rightous man in the sense that he looks out for everyone and tried to help them to the best of his abilies, but I couldn't see why he didn't see "me". Slowly I felt exculted in my own realtionship, then in my own home. As time when on I wanted to talk to him but he never had the time. He was to busy, to tired, or to whatever! I ended up speaking to stanger, just to release these words locked up inside of me. He though I was having an affair. Which he didn't believe when I told him I wasn't. So..I lied!!!! I said "YES" I was wth someone else. I had about enough of my loneliness and if I was going to feel this was, I might as well be alone. He told me to leave his home and I was on longer welcome there.

Few months went by and he wanted to back. I didn't move back though becuase he never asked me to. I would vist him, take time off my schedual, and I even quit my job so I could spend New Year with him. I know...I know...I'm a fool for love. Meanwhile, he had me on this emotional rollacoster of breaking up and getting back together. During my visit he didn't even speand anytime with me, a few mintues before he fell asleep. I'm such an ***! Everything this man wanted me to do, I did it! Or tryied  my hardest to. My b-day passed and he didn't even send me a card let alone visit me. Its always some excuse with him.

Well I had enough. I'm tried of being treated as if I am nothing! I'm tied of him pointing out my failure to be a good wife when all I have done was try to please him! I'm tired...so tired. Its driving me crazy. I tired of having a good heart and letting everyone jsut take advantage of me. I basically jsut want to say, F@#$ the World!!! He pushed and pushed me into this person I don't even reconize, my own family don't reconize me. I hate myself and what I have become. I dont know what else I could have dont to please him. When I tell him the truth, he don't beileve me. When I make up a lie and tell him what he wants to hear, then he believes me. He just thinks so negative of me that I begin to believe that I must be this really F#$% up person. There is so much built up inside of me...

lost4life lost4life
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 10, 2009

Never let anyone drag you down like this. Remember, you can start over again any time you want. Do not allow him to hurt you, you must think your way through this. Get angry, not at yourself which is a dead end. Instead let your anger push you forward & get it your head on straight. Forgive yourself!<br />
And show all them nay-sayers how tough you can be when "pushed"!