I've Got Nothing Left

     When I was a youngster, I felt I could do anything. I was into sports, band, academic extras, you name it, I did it all. After highschool I refurbished an antique automobile, carried full time credits at college, and worked a full time job, all on about two hours of sleep a day. When I got married I still felt invincible. We would drive across Ohio, through New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and into Maine on the drop of a hat to see old friends.

     Then came the kids. Our oldest was sick with nonstop ear infections, bronchitis, asthma, and strep throat until she was eight. Our next oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was in Kindergarten. My spouse had a nervous breakdown requiring nearly a month in a psych hospital, thanks to childhood sexual abuse that I never knew she had experienced. After ten + years of counseling, things got sort of better. No sex, but at least we don't hate each other. We then found ourselves adopting two young relatives (long story, but I believe we really couldn't have done otherwise.) I love them as much as if they were born to us, but seven years of hell with the birth parents before it happened took its toll on both of us. My wife now has chronic renal insufficiency and diabetes, and is in menopause. I am facing layoffs at the place where I've worked for thirty eight years. I am mortgaged to death trying to put my second eldest through college. I love him dearly, but he is lazy, irresponsible, and a complete slob. We have a fourteen year old cat on special diets, and monthly visits to the vet. I haven't had a vacation in five years, and am afraid to ask for one with all the job uncertainty. I am burned out beyond belief. The news scares the **** out of me. I have been to the ER twice in the past six weeks with chest pain. They say its just stress, but you never know. Retirement age is coming fast, and I lost about a quarter of my assets for retirement in last fall's financial collapse.  

     I swear that one more thing will just put me over the edge. I lay awake nights just trying to figure out how to cope. I am a private sort, having only a buddy from college that I ever really could confide in. He committed suicide last year when he found he had cancer. My wife has her life, and frankly there's not much room in it for me. I am writing this because if I don't let it out somewhere I'll lose what little of my mind I have left.

     Thanks for listening to me whine.

tiredoldfart tiredoldfart
51-55
3 Responses Mar 11, 2009

All I know is...life can turn on a dime, man. It can change in an instant. Keep plugging, brother. You are a good man.

i dont really think i believe in god but i do think it will all pass... fate is a fickle thing... same with karma... when something bad strikes do your best, work hard, and always try to do the right thing even if it does make it a little more difficult.. you've been delt a very tough hand but you seem like an admirable man. you will be a man that your children should and most likely do look up to. i hope that your grand children will or do look up to you as well.. and if they never meet you your children will most likely tell many many stories...<br />
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you seem to be a great man. always doing whats best for your family and putting their needs before yours. i wish my husband will be like that someday and that i will hold the same strength you and your wife have held<br />
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may you be blessed by the lords light

feeling in the same situtation really...no job, no hope for one, no vehicle and consistintly sick with one thing or another..although believers say "GOD only gives you what you can handle", sometimes i wonder just how much these little shouldrs can bare. Then I remember the Lord said " and this to shall pass"