A Note On Relationships

I hate to say it, but I’m beginning to lose faith in these ideas of monogamy, selfless love, and the western ideal of a romantic relationship. I was a firm believer in all of these things a year ago when I was in the prime of my high school relationship of more than two years. I cried what seemed like endless tears when I drove my ex to the airport before we went off to different universities and assumed an unwanted end to our relationship.
Then, the strangest thing happened. I got over this loss of a relationship much quicker than I ever could have imagined. After this wall of sadness, it was almost like a frontier of possibility had opened up that I was very receptive of. Entering college was a new adventure of hooking up and sleeping with people with no strings attached in a way I had never experienced.
The new way of life was exhilarating but, as I would soon learn, very shallow. Ironically, these tendencies were short lived because I soon became very romantically involved with my current boyfriend—not long at all after I broke up with my high school ex. My college life seemed to be flourishing: I was making good grades, seemed to be making secure friends, and I had a wonderful, caring boyfriend already.
It all felt so good—maybe a little too good. It took me a while before I actually stepped back and evaluated my situation, and was paradoxically a bit disgusted by my effortless happiness. Disgusted because I had so easily let go of my deep feelings for my ex for the sole reason of seeking new experiences. Let me also say that my ex and I had no significant problems before we went our separate ways. That isn’t to say that we didn’t have our issues, but in my opinion we truly had a deep, healthy relationship and others seemed to recognize it regularly.
My ex was not nearly in the same situation. He had much trouble adjusting to his new college environment and making new friends. He was hooking up with people here and there but in no way had moved on from our relationship. When I told him that I was seriously involved with someone else, he became very upset and seemed to be in denial about it. We went through bouts of talking and not talking to each other. Recently, we hung out for the first time in six months, and it was instantly obvious that we both had too much baggage with each other to maintain a healthy, platonic friendship. I’m now blocked by him on Facebook and I’m not sure whether I’ll ever talk to or see him ever again.
I’m saddened by the fact that I’m basically losing person who was the most important to me for a solid two years of my life and who helped me grow in those times. More importantly, it disturbs me that I rejected the deep caring and intimacy that this person still yearned to have with me.
Even worse—and this is the part which I really hate saying—is that I can’t truthfully say that I miss him. I miss the feeling of being with him, but not him as an individual. More than anything, I feel guilty as a human being who I would hope would want to value these things above most others.
This brings me to my present day situation, where I am happily in a relationship with the guy that I referenced before. He makes me happy and the sex is the best that I’ve ever had in my life so far, and I wouldn’t doubt that it might just be the best I’ll ever have. We’re not as exactly similar in personality that I was with my ex, but I believe we are in the parts that matter.
Recently we reached a turning point in our relationship when we decided to trip on shrooms together. It would be the third shroom trip for both of us, but our first one together. Shrooms are probably my favorite recreational drug thus far and I was having an amazing experience, but it was not the same for him. He tends to think negatively in many situations, and this was no exception. The trip basically led him to the realization that he was deeply in love with me, and it scared him because he was settling down very quickly when he wasn’t ready to. He still wanted the thrill of frequent college hookups with no consequences.
After he broke down for many hours and came to terms with his true feelings, he told me what he had realized but was scared of losing me. He proposed taking a sort of break for the summer where we could hook up with others but still basically stay together. I became very emotional and afraid of the idea because I believed that I would soon become very jealous, mistrusting, and self-destructive knowing that he could be hooking up with another girl at any moment of the day. I wouldn’t have been able to comfortably say that I loved him in this situation and overall just believed that it would be nothing but damaging to our relationship.
After reacting so strongly, he was ashamed that he even proposed the idea and said that it was more important that we stay monogamously together rather than splitting up completely. This was very relieving to me since I began to greatly fear that our relationship would be coming to a close. However, as a female who has trouble controlling maladaptive rumination, I often find my mind drifting back to the emotional situation and a cloud of doubt sits above my thoughts. On one hand I’m glad that he was honest with me and he’s still an amazing guy in my eyes. On the other hand, I don’t have the same sense of trust and security that I used to feel with him. I even realize that these latter thoughts are not really justified because of his honesty, but my mind keeps on drifting back to the idea that he craves hooking up with other girls.
This isn’t to say that he’s a bad person either. The fact is that I often crave hooking up with others as well, but my boyfriend makes me so happy that I realize that I have no reason to so I never act on it. The difference is that he cannot see into my own mind, but he released part of his own thinking which was hidden before. It was the sort of thought that I could assume he would be thinking as a sexual human being, but could be repressed so that it’s never verbalized or acted upon.
Yesterday I went through a typical mental cycle of the situation I’ve described and was getting pretty down about the whole thing even though I know that I really shouldn’t. I also don’t feel like talking to him about it will make it any better because I know exactly how he’ll reassure me, and if anything it will make it appear like I don’t trust him. That same night, I got extremely drunk, blacked out, and ended up hooking up with my closest guy friend. Yep, you heard me correctly. Out of my anxiety of worrying about my boyfriend hooking up with other girls, I got very drunk and hooked up with another guy. Pretty ****** up right?
Now I’m in this ****** situation of hypocrisy because I would be devastated if he ever cheated on me, and I’ve already done the deed. My actions didn’t hold any substance of wanting to be with someone else, it was my unconscious, self-destructive reaction to my own anxiety. I cannot even tell you how guilty I am of my hypocrisy.
All of this comes together to a strong realization that dominates us all: we’re all seeking more stimulation in life in one way or another. This is what is starting to make me reject the western notion of romantic love, because love is supposed to be stable and everlasting across time! And from everything that humanity has witnessed, the only constant in life is change. How can love be everlasting when our own personalities cannot even stay the same over time? As humans, we are dynamic beings that are constantly being shaped into something new to adapt to environments also constantly changing. As soon as my first love object was removed, I was ready with open arms for the next one. However, I would be more than happy to be proven wrong in my future. I hope that I am. For now, I remain a skeptic that is persistently disappointed by human nature.
lunicorn lunicorn
18-21, F
May 21, 2012