Disgusted But Proud

I hate my scars don't get me wrong, I hate what they mean to me and why I did them. They're part of the reason I hate my body and refuse to reveal it to anyone.

But I'm horribly proud. They're like something to show off almost. Look at me this is what I've done. I've got real problems, look look look!
They're part of why I hate myself, for having the selfishness to cut them so everyone can see why i'm ****** up.
But they're part of me and I can't escape the fact that I planned to put them there. I've traced the lines before I've cut. I've examined by body to find how I can cut them to drip or where looks like theres blank skin.
Its horrible I can't stand that I do it. But I do and the scars are the result.

After seeing some of my first cuts someone said to me "They're a bit pathetic aren't they. Don't really qualify you to be self harmer do they"
Well I'd like them to see me now. Tell me I don't qualify now after seeing all of mine.
Can you read the tone here? The wierd pride I have, the horrible way I almost want to show them off.

I've denied myself so much because of them. I can't swim anymore and I can't let anyone get close because they'll see the scars and run away. But I want to challenge the people who'll look at me with scorn or pity when they see them. The scars make me able to do that.

So I'm disgusted and bitter but proud at the same time.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
1 Response Aug 10, 2010

it is sooo freaky how you just read my mind! these are my thoughts and feelings verbatim. i fully understand:)