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Nov 3rd, 2009
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I have been under my "invisibility cloak" for a very long time now. Sometimes I use it just because I am not always around the computer, and pop on occasionally. It is easier to go invisible and just shut the window, than to log on every time.
But I am finding more and more, that even when I am "here" I feel like hiding under the cloak. I feel quiet.
I don't laugh much anymore. The joy feels drained. The fun is scarce. So I read. I comment once in a while. I write an occassional story...sometimes I keep them. I don't feel like I have much to say anymore. The lustre has faded for me these days. I try. I have been trying. I still feel the need to be here for the company. I have kind friends. I love to read their stories. It breaks up the day...the loneliness a little bit. So I keep coming back, despite feeling quiet.
Fall brought a change. Not really a surprising one...a back-of-my-mind anticipated change. Nevertheless....it still feels profoundly empty.The radiance is gone. Smiles are few. Laughter is a rarity. Things feel dormant again, like when I first came here, but worse in a way now, because I had a taste of feeling alive and vibrant.
The isolation I feel obviously doesn't help anything. I have nowhere to go, anyway. I escaped to this place so much. It was a pleasant, although sometimes out of control addiction. It is under more control now. The thrill is gone(hey that is a song....).
Will it return again? Will I feel my creativity burst forth again in a great tsunami of words? Will I feel the warmth of self confidence, the giggles, the smiles I can't shut off, once again?
I guess time will tell that tale...
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 Feeling thankful  | Posted Nov 3rd, 2009 at 9:56PM, last updated Nov 3rd, 2009 at 10:14PM This is a beautful post destry and it mirrors so many of my same thoughts. When I first came here it was fun, lots of laughs, good times but those times have been tarnished and the 'fun' doesnt seem to be on the same scale. I used to hope it was a phase but I am finding it simply isnt, for me. I love all my friends deeply and if it weren't for them I wouldn't have stayed . Sometimes I log on and its like no one knows you are even here anymore....quite sad actually.   |
 Feeling bummed | Posted Nov 3rd, 2009 at 9:58PM I'm glad you are still coming here, invisible or not. It wouldn't be the same without you. |
 Feeling mellow | Posted Nov 3rd, 2009 at 10:11PM exactly snowy :( thanks scoobs...that is such a nice thing to hear :) |
 Feeling festive | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 11:45AM Oh Destry. I can totally relate to the ep part of your post. I log on, but don't feel the connection I used to. I too love my friends here, but the excitement spark just isn't there. My "real" life is getting much better again - being cancer free, almost divorced and loving the new house are huge blessings. But... the healing, the support, the laughter and creativity I found on ep seems like a faded black shirt - I love the shirt, but its dullness makes it difficult for me to wear. What can we do to bring the spark back into our ep marriage? Maybe if we put our heads together we can come up with something! |
Feeling mellow | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 11:48AM Child, it is so nice to hear you are on track again. You deserve it so much xoxo I don't know how to bring that spark back, but I need it to be good again very, very badly these days :( |
 | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 11:53AM Desty I am sorry hun- Life sure has its highs and lows doesnt it?? |
Feeling mellow | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 12:40PM yeah, flour, it does... |
Feeling festive | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 12:45PM We will find a way to bring some sparkles back into your life my friend. Don't let the mood take you down too far. No one and nothing is worth that! You are loved - here's some HUGE HUGS xxoo |
 | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 12:49PM Creativity is like a shy lover - you have to be patient and have faith - she will come to you - that is a given - you just can't force her. |
 Feeling numb | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 1:10PM Coyotegray - That's a really beautiful way of describing creativity! :) Destry - Stop by anytime for a chat if you like. I'm here ALOT lol :) |
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