Parental Hater

I can’t get over how much I hate my ******* parents. I know I’m 25 I should get over it and start my own life. Which I’m finally learning how to do now. I just seem to be having a hard time forgetting about how bad they ****** me up and over. In every way that I wanted/needed a mother or father, neither of them ever sufficed. I hate to say that but it is written that every man will raise a child who will grow up to hate them. I know that no parent is perfect and most parents are dealing with their own **** at the same time they are trying to be parents. We didn’t grow up poor. I was middle middle class, living in sleepy suburbia. I simply cannot get over the fact that I would wake up every morning for nearly 18 years to sounds of my mother’s terrifying tactics; her throwing and breaking dishes, ripping clothes out of my father’s closet, her coming into our rooms and demanding that we repeatedly call my father and ask him to come home to her. I dealt with physical, mental and emotional abuse that has left a permanently opened womb on my soul. I can’t remember a day when I was a teenager that I wasn’t called a fat black *****. My self-confidence was ******** from me by the time I was 10. Before I even knew what sex was, my mother was calling me a “hoe.” I was so ill natured I found my solace in binge eating. I was too shy to join organizations or clubs but I thought I was a disgusting blob. My dad never said any of those things, he never even spank me once. In fact it was almost like he tried to ignore the issues all together. I think I hate my father more than any person on earth. Although it was my mother who ensued all the rage and drama, it was my father who chose to ignore the dying spirit inside of my sister’s and me that really hurts the most. He got to go to work every day and not come home if he chose. We had to prepare for swift hands flying across our faces and dirty words shot in our ears. It was just plain awful. I can’t explain how much it hurts me even til this day thinking about the life I lived. Since I went away to college and found out there are actual functioning normal families out there I couldn’t believe a mother – my own mother could treat her own flesh and blood like how we were done. Now that we three girls are over 21, our parents have since divorced. In a feat to win over points from each of us, they act as if nothing was wrong with how we were raised. We were raised in a constant state of fear, shame, doubt and hate. On top of all these things my parents wish to take credit for my accomplishments. I haven’t accomplished even the tip of the iceberg of plans I have for myself. I’ve just begun by graduating college on my own by the way. I endured over 50k worth of student loan debt but I had no other options because my parents never saved a dime for any of our educations. I honestly do get jealous when I see my friends who have great relationships with their parents. I thank God everyday for college though because it showed me the world. It showed me a different, brighter, loving world full of people of all different races, religions, creeds, socio-economic statuses, I wouldn’t change going away to University for the world. It truly opened my eyes, my heart and helped me overcome the pain of my childhood. So although I’m still figuring things out, please don’t judge anyone or call me a poor because I honestly came from nothing. I deserve a fighting chance and it’s so frustrating knowing I have to break into the “adult” world of careerdom at such a disadvantage. I didn’t have a laptop in college(graduated 2011), I went to the library to print things. I didn’t have extra money to bar hop – I had to work the midnight shift as a deskie on Friday nights. I even recently got engaged and my mom decided to not show up to a huge engagement party my fiance and myself threw for ourselves completely out of our own pockets (which Im proud of!) and my dad showed up and stayed in the corner of the bar the entire time and didnt' even bother to say anything to me besides hello. No congratulations or anything, In fact I think he left early caz he had plans. My parents just were not capable of love I think, at least not love for me. I don’t think I could ever forgive either of my parents, but I do have to thank them for making me stronger without them.
sleepingbear sleepingbear
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 26, 2012

thanks for the response. I appreciate your opinions and suggestions. You are correct, I need to work on myself a lot more and I have been doing so. I will defintely check out your post as well!! thank you again