Sad Yet Happy?

Today for the first time in a while I felt really depressed, I just got a job, but its not much. I just met 2 very nice people today, and the person I am currently in a relation ship with has gone away on personal business, for the next year.
 I used to be a very lonely and depressed person in my early teen years, I inflicted self harm on myself and attempted suicide a few times. and I did eventually go to a psychiatric hospital for a very short time. I channeled my sadness into smoking and eating chocolate . and spent everyday going to work, sometimes crying in the bathroom of my workplace. and wondering if i would ever beat the lonely feeling I lived with everyday. I felt like I needed Love, to be in a relationship with someone, but never really tried .because I had bad experiences in early teen years. so I decided that I don't want to date with anyone my own race or age group . I guess it was sort of an identity crisis. but last year I did meet someone.I quit smoking. and we started getting to know each other very well. and started dating. I was fine for about 7 months. then I started drinking. playing video games ,and thought about smoking again. I guess I was almost back to were I had been before , trying to escape reality or something. I realized recently before My only love had left for personal business that we are two very different people. and I don't know if I am ready for all the changes that my partner wants me to make. I still love them Very much and know they are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. but I also feel like I might not be good enough for them. I am So very happy that  I have quit smoking and done a lot of New things and all the little and big changes I have made in my life. but I am Very sad to think that I am no good for this person maybe they are better off without me in their life. and to think that I might have to end the relationship . Maybe I am just going crazy or something. But I really don't know what to do. and I know that other people have it way worse than me. and I should really " count my blessing" , and I do, but before I felt like i was being Eaten from the inside from a Lonely sad depressed void in my heart . but now I sort of feel like I am being eaten from the inside by confusion , worries ,stress and fear of what will happen to my partner if i break it off. if i'm no good for them then I don't want them to miss opportunities and waste their life with me :( I really don't know what to do  
Wrongstateofmind Wrongstateofmind
May 15, 2012