Jobless And Worthless

I have no money. I have no car. I live in the boonies. I can't even walk anywhere because there's no side walks near my house, just a winding road that I could easily kill myself on. I guess I could maybe hike up a mountain instead of the road to avoid getting hit by a car, but if I do that I would have to worry about wild animals and getting lost.
The point is I quit my job because I was unhappy there. I'm going in and out of sadness lately. I feel better that I don't have to go to work. Eventually I have to do something. That's what bothers me. I can't stand the idea of living at home forever but I don't like anything. Since I don't have a car I can't go off on random adventures like I used to. Before I couldn't do what I liked often because I had to work and not spend too much money on gas. Cars are expensive. There is no options for me.
I got a biopsy the other day on my cervix. I'm tired all the time. Often depressed because I hate my life.
Soon I will be in my mid twenties and have nothing to show for it. Things I like to do I can't do because I hate excessive amounts of attention and if I were to make a living doing what I like I would need to draw a lot of attention to myself.
My social life is pretty much non existent. It's partially because I'm agnostic, well basically I'm nothing, and don't trust religious people or those half *** religious people. I especially don't trust half *** religious people. Example Christians that give bjs on the first date. What the **** is that people? Show some courage and integrity. I have one friend who's mostly away at college, another friend that's mostly just away. I have a boyfriend who's around all the time. He also makes me sick at times.
I have issues. I can't stay focused on one subject. I like and appreciate too many things to be crazy about just one thing. There's nothing I care a lot about except being honest. Blurting out random truths about myself is not a career.
I do care about humanity. I have ideas, yah, but I just don't know how to put them out there. I got zero confidence in anything I make.
So maybe this is why I'm just in this constant state of sadness. I'm lonely and directionless. I want to do something right now. I want to see changes. I want to be independent but every morning I wake up in my room, laying on my small, hard bed looking at the ceiling. Even when I sleep at my boyfriends house I still wake up in that bed. Everywhere I go I'm in that god damn bed. I can't paint. I don't want to eat. Just layers of heavy sheets over my crowded head. I hate my house. I hate what this place does to me. I want to be far from here. But I feel like there will always be someone following me.
My mother is crazy and controlling. My father is religious and nosey. I'm going insane. I've dealt with it too long. Sure their intentions are good but it doesn't make what they do ok. Suffocating is a good word. So is drowning.
It's weird being held captive by your past choices. I don't have poor enough self esteem to say I deserve this. Why should I be different from anyone else? I can't say things like, "Everyone deserves to be happy except me." I deserve to be happy. I've been sad all my life. A lot of the time I don't see any break from this. Inhale and I exhale. That's all I do. Every day is a slap in the face. I take it hoping eventually I can be free from all this. Study here and there trying not to wander off into some strange fiction my minds creates.
I'm tired. Back to sleep. Tomorrow I will wake up feeling different. Maybe I wont feel so terrible tomorrow.
NotApplicable NotApplicable
22-25, F
Sep 5, 2011