I Feel Such a Great Sadness In My Heart

Today is another big day. How  can I get rid of my dad stuff? his clothes, his shoes , his stuff. I  haven't even get on his room since all this happend. It gives me chills to know that I will give away his stuff, it's like I'm taking him out of my life in boxes. I dont know if I will the heart to do it. Actually it makes me feel really sad.

 I dont know if I were a good daughter , if he was proud of me, if he new that I genually love him and if he new how thankful I was of having him as my father. I'm so thankful he gave up his well paid job to take care of me and my sis and start earning a minumun salary . I'm so thankful he taught me to be a good person and to care about others and to give blindly. I'm so amazinly thankful that he was my friend first then my father and he support every stupid idea I had.

I feel so empty, I have nobody . I lost the biggest support I have, the only one I had. I feel so sad that there will be nobody at my graduation day smiling at me to congratulate me , someone being proud of what I have achieve and what I'm doing with my life.  I'm sad because I know I won't have a warm hug when I have a bad day, and an ear to listen all my complains. I feel my dad is gone with a piece of my existence. I feel so sad because no matter how hard I cry , my tears won't bring him back to me.

Secretpoem Secretpoem
22-25, F
9 Responses Aug 16, 2007

It's a great lesson to us all to remember to share our feelings with our loved ones. Never be silent. This way, when someone we love , leaves us, we know.
I do that with my daughter. With your message, it reminds me that I am right, and maybe even need to share more ...

For all those who love, or care about someone.
Fear not to share what's in your heart.

Sweetie, I know what you are going through. I have not lost my father, but I buried my little boy several years ago. I thought life was over with. I remember when I had to pack up his nursery, and I felt the exact same way, like I was giving him away or something. But I realized, that I was not giving him away, because the truth is, he would not want me to be sad, he would not want me to cry and feel so empty. He would understand that I was feeling this way, but really, if you were him would you want your daughter to have all your stuff in boxes cluttering up the house? lol. trying to get you to laugh a tad. what I did, was I selected three things, of my sons. I put them in a box, and I put it in the top of my closet. I also used an article of his clothing that I slept with for many months until I was able to sleep without it. I did a lot of journaling. I wrote to my son, as if he was there, or I was talking to him on the telephone. Maybe you can write nightly to your Dad. The other thing I wanted to note, was, I bet on your graduation day, if you look up into the sky, you will feel your father all around you. He may not be there physically, but he is guaranteed to be there spiritually! God Bless you sweetheart. It will all get better. I promise you!

I know how you fell kinda. My fathey committed suicide my senior year. He wasn't as big of an influence in my life as yours was, but I would have loved him to have congradulated. Keep your head up!

My heart goes out to you in your time of need, you must know that your father would not want to see you in so much pain. I can hear that you both loved each other dearly and you need to know that just because he is not here with you does not mean that he does not love you anymore. You can still talk to him and he is still watching over you day and night. You are still dearly loved and nothing can take that away from the two of you. Love goes beyond seeing and touching. All you need to do is believe xxx

The lack of knowing you personally is overwhelmed by the morality that emerges from that of a few words spoken from you... With what little we've spoken.... I know this of you....you are radiant in the dark.... your heart seems pure as the moral fibers that speak from your soul....bottom line is that of morals.....Seems to me that you lack little in the presence of morals.... Strong and very personable....your father would be proud....He's done his job....

You sound like a very strong soul. I am in a poem catch so here is one for you by, John Burroughs<br />
<br />
Waiting<br />
<br />
Serene, I fold my hands and wait,<br />
Nor care for wind nor tide nor sea;<br />
I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,<br />
For lo! my own shall come to me.<br />
<br />
I stay my haste, I make delays--<br />
For what avails this eager pace?<br />
I stand amid the eternal ways<br />
And what is mine shall know my face.<br />
<br />
Asleep, awake, by night or day,<br />
The friends I seek are seeking me,<br />
No wind can drive my bark astrat<br />
Nor change the tide of destiny.<br />
<br />
What matter if I stand alone?<br />
I wait with joy the coming years;<br />
My heart shall reap where it has sown,<br />
And garner up its fruit of tears.<br />
<br />
The waters know their own, and draw<br />
The brook that springs in yonder height;<br />
So flows the good with equal law<br />
Unto the soul of pure delight.<br />
<br />
The stars come nightly to the sky;<br />
The tidal wave unto the sea;<br />
Nor time,nor space, nor deep, nor high,<br />
can keep my own away from me.<br />
<br />
Lean on your sisters and let them lean on you. Share your grief with eachother. It's only been a yr and a half since my Grandpa died from suicide and I still miss him and love him. I think daily of him. Peace and love to you and your sisters. J

Sorry I can't give you that hug in person :)

Thank you Dodo, i wish i could hug you. I was needing to hear those words

I only know you through the strange filter of the EP, and only for a short time at that, but if I can see your quality, vitality and good heart through your stories and scribblings alone, then I have no doubt at all that your father saw such things in person and could not have been prouder of whom his daughter had become. Above and beyond whatever you go on to achieve, I have no doubt that the man who was willing to make such sacrifices to care for his daughters would have seen who you were, and loved you for it. <br />
<br />
And how could he not be proud of you now? Despite your grief, you are his daughter and will press on and do what needs to be done, you have the strength to take care of your sister, and your will is still intact beneath your sadness. He is so intertwined with who you are, and how you came to be who you are, he will never truly leave you. <br />
<br />
You will continue to do him proud, I'm certain.

I would just like to say to you, I know exactly how you feel. It is my graduation tomorrow and though I am now 52 and I was 8 years old when my father died I often wonder if he is proud of me too. But what we have to remember is that the love your father give you as mine did lives on in you. You inherited a kind loving heart that you can share with others and all your father taught you. God Bless you my dear friend.