I am just so damn tired. I am emotionally spent. I recently moved away from my home town where my dream job awaited me. I have always been somewhat of a gypsy. I feel that the world is too big and there are just too many different people to stay in one place for too long. I have gained so much from this. I have met so many wonderful people that have made me into the open minded person I am today. However, it has hurt me. I don't stick around long enough to be anyone's best friend. I know this is so silly. Why do I, a 25 year old, need a BEST friend? I have a few friends that are very close that I would consider my best friends but other than I am an their second or third choice. It makes me feel disposable. I kind of can't believe I started talk ing about this. I meant to write about my relationship ha ha. Anyway....I am in this new place and I like my life. I have made some friends who I hit it off with right away. I have always been dating someone and this year was the first time I made myself remain single and allowed myself to just date. Well then I met an amazing guy. We went from 0 to 60 in a matter of days. It happened fast but I honestly felt like he was "the one". Now we have been together for 4 months and it is a struggle. I just don't feel good about myself. I feel crazy because he is kind and calls when he is supposed to but i feel like we have no spark. He keeps telling me that it is the way it is. I don't know if I buy it. We don't have any intimacy anymore. No passionate kisses or hand holding. I feel like a nag. i just want to feel loved and desired. I want the little notes or the random phone calls. Am I asking way too much? Is this what happens in long term relationships. He says he is not a romantic type but I cannot help but feeling like I am not worth his romance. Part of me wants to leave but I dont want to miss out on something great. There is one other reason I do not want to leave and it is the stupidest and most ridiculous reason and I know this. IF I end this I would be the only single person I know. All my friends are engaged or married. Why hasn't happened to me yet? I don't even really know if I want to get married or not. I just know I want to find my someone. I have so much love to give to someone who will love me back. I get scared that it is not in the cards for me...... Thanks for reading I just needed to vent and feel too selfish to say these dark things to anyone I know......
christyrosej christyrosej
Aug 7, 2010