I Feel So Alone. Specially In My School.

Hi.
I'm a girl, 18 years old. I'm at my last year of high school now.

Well, I know theres a lot of topics with "I am so alone" title all over the Internet, but I just need to write it down somewhere...
It's just that I feel so sad all the time. Everything around me makes me so sad.

I feel so lonely and unwanted in my school. I have no friends there.
Well, my first year of high school was great. I used to hang out with 3 girls from my class, but then that crew just broke up.
One girl just left, she find another friend. So I stayed with that 2 girls who are pretty irresponsible and so on... So the 2 of them had a fight. One girl find a new company, started to use drugs, skip classes too often, drink alot and I'm stucked to that one girl who is so annoying actually.

So last 3 years I was spending my time with that girl although I don't like her. She was always so rude to me, arrogant, annoying, too loud, calling me names... Whenever something is not how she wants she gets mad. She was so possesive and she tend to control me. She used to call me every day few times a day, she requires to go out with her every day, she had to know EVERYTHING I do. And she was pushing people away from me so obviously... She was choking me.
Everyone in school notice that she actually abuse me, but I just couldn't get rid of her because I felt sorry for her.
Every time I tried to tell her I don't want to hang out with her she starts to pity herself talking how no one loves her, talking about her mothers cancer, talking how she is so alone... So I stayed with her because I always felt sorry. Plus, she was so so kind to me few times so I was feeling guilty too.

But few weeks ago I was going to my favorite band concert and she buy a ticket to go with me. I didn't call her to go with me, she invated herself without asking. I was a coward and I couldn't tell her I don't want to be there with her. So she was thinking we go together 100%.
Anyway, at the day of concert I didn't answer her calls and she gets mad. Now she don't want to talk with me at all. Which is amazing actually.
I am so glad I get rid of her, but now she just hates me and talk rumors about me.
She acts like she is cool all the time, she thinks she is too smart and the best, so every time I do something she just criticizes me. Like yesterday when teacher asked who has done a homeworks and only me had it, someone was comment on that and that girl who hates me now just sayed out loud "Well, get used to it that she will lick teachers *****". I mean, I just finish my homeworks, it's not my fault everyone else has not!
I just can't stand to be in the same room with her. Every time I start to talk to someone she interject into the conversation, she try to "stole" all the people I talk with. And theres no many people I talk with in school.
I talk to some of them, but that's all just small talks. I don't have anyone there actually.

Well, I am good with one girl from my class, but no one loves her because she lie a lot and that's too obvious. Plus, she is theistic satanist and kinda dark. Everyone hates her.
Well, I like her although sometimes she made up stories which is not true.
But she skip classes so often, so basicly I am all alone there.
Everyone are in some groups and I just don't fit anywhere.
Most of people in my class thinks I'm a good person, but they think I'm kinda dorky and even weird too.

Today I skip school just because I feel so bad there. I know that's not a solution, but I just coudn't stand it to be there.
My mom will kill me because of that and I feel so guilty.

I want to change my school or move in other town, but that is not possible.

In elementary school was the same. One girl was really abusing me. And not just psychical.
Everyone was thinking I'm a freak, dork and weird. Mostly because I don't drink and I'm not so outgoing like everyone else. I am not so open like others. I never understaned why is that a problem.
I am just quite and shy so it's hard for me to make a friends. But I never done anything bad to others.
At the last year of elementary school they started to accept me, but that was too late.

At that time I used to cut myself. Few people knew that, but nobody cares.
Once I was at doctors and he saw cuts on my wrists, but he just smiled at that.
My parents find out about it long after I started with it. My mom saw me bleeding in my room and she just said "Get up and go to school".
Well, my dad was pretty chrushed. He even cryed because I self harm. I felt so guilty because I hurt him.
He even buy me some antidepressants, but that didn't help.
It pass few years since that. I haven't cut myself mostly because of my dad. Although all this years I have really strong desire to do that! Sometimes I want to do it so bad it hurts.

I know there's lot of other people with same or even worse problems than mine. I'm sorry.
But I'm just so sad all the time.
I don't know what to do anymore. I used to have some hobbies, but now I just don't enjoy it anymore.
I love anime and manga a lot, reading books, movies, music... But I can't do any of that anymore. I just can't. I can't even stand some of my favorite songs. Everything is so empty to me.
I search for something more, but I just can't find it.
I try to sped time outside because I heard that sun is good for health, makes you to feel happy and such stuff, but it changes nothing.
I tried to work out, yoga, martial arts... I tried with some a bit more "spiritual" things (chakras, meditations and so on). But nothing helps.
I still feel so bad.

I feel so ugly all the time. I never had a boyfriend or a boyfreind-girlfriend relationship. It's not that no one ever was interested in me, but the guys who liked me was usualy some jerks or I didn't love them back.
Now I just wonder how it will be to have a boyfriend.
All the people from my class have someone or used to have and when I remember I never even had a first kiss it just brings me down even more.
It's not that I want someone because I don't want to be alone. I still believe that relationship must be special. I dont want to run into relationship like most of other people my age just so I can have sex with someone or just so I can say I have a boyfriend.
But then I think I'm not worth it. I just can't imagine that someone could really love me.
I feel so worthless.

Sometimes I just wish my life ends. But I try not to do something stupid.
I really try hard to keep myself above the surface, but all that time I feel so depressed, sad, ugly, scared...
I feel like crying, but I just can't do that anymore too.

I know all this sounds so lame, pathetic and miserably.
But I really have nobody to talk to.
My dad expect from me to be the best in everything, but he just don't see I am not the best. I feel so guilty for that. He is really strict and I am so sad I can't fulfill his expectations.
Sometimes I just want to stay in bad all day, among cozy blankets and have someone to talk to.

P.S.
I apologise for my bad English.
same2 same2
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

<p>My highschool year was horrible, I have acne problem and many people tends to bully me and I was quite and shy , because I can feel how people made me feel ugly only the way they staring at me, I had few friends<br />
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<br />
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which I really cant consider as best friend, but I didn't want to be stay alone, so I kind of stick with them, and most worst thing is when you go to the public place, No body cares me, you feel like alone, I used to feel it in high school , *** and I wanted to suicide many times, but I wasn't brave enough to do this, High school is ***, it will be over one day believe , when you go to college or go somewhere and became free man. Stay positive,</p>