Me,myself,and I

Right now I am sitting on my bed listening to music and typing on my laptop.... This has become a routine for the past two weeks. I guess it was Friday night when my plans got ruined that I began to feel really lonely. I cried for hours that night. And I don't mean that I shed a few tears and my emotional breakdown was over. No,I literally cried and couldn't stop. I even let out a few screams. I was sad. It was a sad that I had never felt to that extreme. I felt alone. Nobody was with me,but it wasn't even that. I felt alone,as in alone on the inside. Feeling unwanted and unloved and empty was hard for me to comprehend. I felt like there were so many things missing. Honestly,that night I thought I wanted to end my life. Although I never will,I couldn't help but think that it was the only thing left for me to do. I guess I was just thinking of my life and my regrets and my unhappiness. During all this I decided to pray. I actually did pray a lot through the year. I felt it helped back then,so I decided to give it a shot. This prayer wasn't like the ones that I'd prayed before. It was more personal and deep. To sum it up I asked God to really come into my life because I seriously needed him. I mentioned that I wanted to have a way better relationship with him. I asked for serious forgiveness for all my sins. I didn't end that prayer like I used to always end my prayers. I told God that I couldn't say I loved him. I could tell him I love everything he did for me thus far,but I could not tell him that I loved him and meant it. I simply said I want to get to know him better so I can say I love him and truly mean it. I decided I didn't know him. How could I love someone that I didn't really know? I ended that prayer pretty much begging for us to start a wonderful relationship and for me to know him as well as I should. I meant that. I really needed him. And since I felt bad about not loving the one that gave me life,I began to search for something to make me feel better. I learned that we don't have to love God for him to love us and that he waits for us to come to him and ask for him to come into our lives. I read a lot of scriptures that night. I went to bed feeling much better. The next day I shared my thoughts toward God to my mother and told her how I asked for a better relationship with him. She was happy,although she said something like,prepare yourself. That day I was texting about maybe five or more people at a time. All of a sudden,they all stopped replying. I thought that was a little weird considering we were all on what I thought were good terms. I didn't know why my friends were ignoring me. I let it go for a while though. Sunday night is I guess when I realized I was lonely. I was at a cookout with a few friends and family. I felt alone there. When I got home I felt alone still. Monday I didn't want to wake up. I slept until four p.m. Waking up just made me feel worse to be honest. Still,I felt lonely. And to add to the loneliness,my phone has barely rang since Saturday. I still prayed and read the Bible and watched Joyce Meyer preach to make me feel a little better. Tuesday was no different. I felt so alone. And finally Wednesday I broke sort of. I was almost in tears when I told my mother that I feel so alone and I feel like I don't have anyone. I told her I know why it is,because I told God I want a better relastionship with him. To get a better relationship my distractions had to go away for a while. And I feel really guilty for being mad about it. It's just I'm so scared of being alone these days. I start feeling crazy when I'm alone. I know God is with me and wants what is best for me and would never put me in a situation that I couldn't handle. I just don't think I can do this. It hasn't even been a week. I don't want to give up at all. I really do want that loving relationship. I know it takes work. I just don't think I'm strong enough to continue. Thinking positive thoughts when you feel like nothing and worthless and awful is hard. I just have to keep believing that I can do it and it will be worth the loneliness in the end. And it will. So,I guess that was my little rant for the night/early morning. I will survive being lonely.
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Sep 20, 2012