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I Feel So Alone, And Empty

I lost my mum September 2009, I had only got my mum back in my life after 5 years of being apart, she died of cancer, from finding out in August that she had lung cancer, by the middle of September it had gone to her Liver , and Spine, by the end of September she died in my arms, I held her head in my hands. I had nursed my mum from her finding out she was dying right till the end.

I am the youngest of the 4 of us, and it was me who had to tell my dad that mum was dying, not an easy thing to do. I am a mum of 4 children, and feel so guilty that my mum hardly so the kids for 5 years, this was because I challenged by brother in front of my mum and dad for abusing me when I was 5. I also went to the police, but dropped the alligations as I found out I was pregnant with my twin daughters, I was so worried that the stress would cause me to miss carry again. So I reported my brother to the Social services as he has children of his own, my dad told me not to step foot in his door again, so I didn't.

In this time someone accused me of being an unfit mum, and I had my eldest children took from me by the social services. I told the social services that I would fight them all the way till I got my children back, and I did, but I was so alone, no family around me, my husband !! he could not deal with things, so i had to fight for both of us. It took me 15 months going through courts, therapy, everything I would not wish my worst enemy to go through, but I got them back.

I Miss Carried the Christmas they were taken, I remember laying in the hospital new years eve having had surgery, feeling numb and alone, my husband was with his mum that night. Months later I fell pregnant with my twins daughters, they gave me Hope And Faith to fight even more and prove that I was a good Mum, I was so poorly with them, that I was in and out of hospital for 26 weeks, one time I lay in the hospital watching patients having their families around them, me I had no one. My husband could not cope with not having the eldest 2, and suggested that I terminate the twins. I told him they were my babies and that I would fight for all 4, and if he did not like it then he knew where the door was, so I went through this pregnanacy alone, and had 2 beautiful baby girls who I named Hope And Faith.

When they were 1 I fealt I needed to contact my mum and called her the new years eve, she answered the phone but I put the phone down, I could not speak. My husband went away for a week and I then decided to just turn up with the twins, as the eldest 2 were at school, the look on my mum and dads face were joy of seeing their grand daughters for the first time, we started having contact 1 week with the kids, I heard that the day after we had been that is all mum use to go on about.

Things were picking up, then things started to wrong (Mum had Cancer), there were so many things I wanted to say.

I watched my mum die, and watched her body change, i made her promises and wrote a letter and put it in with her final resting place. I know look after my dad, look after 4 kids, work full time and also started a new business up. My husband looks after the kids whilst I am at work, I now talk to my sisters, never speak to my brother even though he tried showing me up at the funeral, I made promise to my mum, to look after dad, not to smoke, to look after my kids, to achieve in everything I do.

So far I have kept them promises, my husband never put his arm around me when my mum died, it wasn't till recently I found out that he had a thing with my niece, he cant give me what I need which is love. I am always there for others but who is there for me, I am choked up writing this but have no where else to turn, I feel that I am going to break and if I do then i wont be able to keep the promises I made. I think I can trust people to find out that things I told them in confidence they use against me, I cant't trust, and and just need someone to love me and put there are around me.

I could write a book on my life and people would think it was fictional.

I am so tired, emotional wreck in side, with smiles on the outside, I cant tear my family apart again because my husband dont give me what I need, they love their dad, something I cant take away from them, he is a good dad,

I am 35 years of age this year and still looking for happiness, maybe Im one of those people where happiness never comes, I look at my kids and want them to be happy and have a great life, what chance do they have with a mum like me.

 

Thankyou for reading x

LuckStar LuckStar 31-35, F 2 Responses Feb 11, 2010

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I agree you have things in your life to feel happiness for but so much sadness too. Often when you have children people say 'at least you have the kids' like it papers over all cracks and it certainly does not. In fact feeling like you have to go on for the kids can stop you putting aside time for yourself to re-group and go through the lows that need to be ridden to get to the highs.<br />
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You suffered abuse as a child and found the strength to vocalise this only to be shown the door. You are with a man who is a good father as you say but has not been a good husband when you needed it most. Some people find it hard to comfort someone in grief and seem to shun you almost, it is because they can not relate and feel so uncomfortable. Your husband could have been more supportive in many ways, especially since he was cheating with a family member. What a betrayal of trust. No wonder you feel so low.<br />
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After 5 years without your parents in your life you reconnect only to loose her to Cancer. I am happy for you that you got that special time together and that you were there at the end. Those years apart will pale against the memory of being there when she needed you.<br />
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My Mum died in my arms and I can only tell you how I felt and maybe you can relate to it. I was devestated and it felt like a physical part of me went with her. She felt ripped from my soul and I felt, still feel, anchorless. I miss her and am so sad that my children will not get to live their lives with her in it. I dont regret nursing her or being there at the end but it was so hard and wearing and emotionally draining. Then there is the funeral and practical things to deal with - not easy, especially with family tensions.<br />
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It sounds as though you a very giving person and that your needs go un-noticed and un-met. Look after yourself as you would one of your children and think what you need. Your children will be a source of joy to you but even mothers need more! You need to make your husband see that he has a role to play in all of this and you are not a machine endlessly driven to provide. You must get support from those around you and if they are unable or un-willing then look to the voluntary organisations and connect with others who will be more understanding and sympathetic.<br />
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I really wish you love and luck and hope your Mum rests in peace and looks down on you with pride for you are one of lifes samaritans XX

Wow LuckStar! What a story - and your name is lovely and so right for you ...<br />
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What a lucky person you are ... to have had the chance to make it up with your mum and see her through her illness and be with her when she died. I think that's an amazing thing to experience, having been through that myself with my own mother when she died of lung cancer in 2001. You have certainly had a very tough time with your husband and children and with the abuse you suffered through your brother. But, to have come through it to produce wonderful children and with such a strong spirit which shines through your writing, you must be such a fine person. Maybe it's time to take a little time out for yourself and gain a bit of inner peace after such a traumatic time. <br />
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You sound very battered and worn down by everything that's happened ... time to re-group and think about the future. With your strength and courage anything is possible for you, you will meet people at the right moment - they come into your life to help you through, I really believe that happens when the time is right. <br />
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Perhaps start on the internet ... look up some sites with self-help information ... spiritual sites and something to help strengthen your resolve. Or maybe your local library will have a good section of books you could look at. <br />
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The very best of everything to you LuckStar!!