I Don't Know Whats Wrong

I don't know where to start... I have so many tangled-up webs inside my head full of confused thoughts and feelings that I dont even know how to make sense. I guess i will tell my story. I am 21 years old. I think I am border lined depressed. Growing up i was a naturally happy kid. I hit junior high and everything changed. I don't have some super sad story about my experience, but it was hard enough. I lost all faith in myself...my confidence and courage. My self esteem and self worth. My friends weren't absolutely horrible... they were young and just trying to fit in too... but I always seemed to be the one being made fun of and teased. I wasn't into boys, shopping and make-up like the other girls. I wasn't witty or outgoing. I liked riding horses and hanging out with my family and cousins. I was socially awkward and really nervous around boys.

After 2 years of feeling really alone, I went to high-school. Things got better I guess, but i still had my troubles... like everyone does of course. Life isn't easy. I went to college and things have slowly just gone down hill. I have no sense of identity... and thats super important to me. I don't believe in myself at all. I don't feel good enough for anyone. I feel like I will never find true love. I have never had a serious relationship and that really freaks me out. I feel like guys don't want someone inexperienced. They want sexy and beautiful and I dunno... it seems like everything I am not. My other problem is that I spend all my time making sure everyone around me is happy and content that I forget about myself. But then when I think about me, I feel selfish. I am super hard on myself and always feel bad. My friend tells me I feel bad too much... but I don't know how to stop.

I hate my relationship with my sister. I feel like she is almost always mad at me for stuff I don't even know about. It feels like she doesn't like me and I don't understand why.  It seems like whenever I am happy and telling stories and just enjoying what's going on in my life she gets mad and just doesn't wanna hear it. its like she doesn't care... but I am always so happy for her when the situation is reversed. I don't know what it is about me that makes her mad.... and I hate how all my sisters and brother act like I am the favorite child. I am not, and they make me feel bad whenever I get attention of any kind. I feel like everyone looks at my life like it is perfect, and it is far from. I am far from. I am a mess inside and I cry a lot. I feel disconnected from my sisters and brother b/c I am looked at like the favorite child so they have this bond and common ground that I cant be apart...and it really hurts I dont get anything special. I am the oldest. I am the one who has to got through everything first and figure all this **** out... and live with the whole "role model" thing and I hate that pressure.

My friends all have relationships and a life. I am sitting here alone .. and no one sees. I work so hard and no one sees.. no one cares. I am breaking down and losing hope. I have been trying for so long to just believe in me and I dont know how. I know things could be a lot worse. Im totally am aware this situation is far from Horrible. So if you're reading this, please don't look at me like I have no reason to feel the way I do.. b/c thats what everyone does to me. Everyone makes me feel unjustified to feel and I can't deal with it anymore.. I just want someone to see me and understand.

bridgebuff bridgebuff
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 22, 2010

I know exactly how you guys feel. I feel completey lost and lonely. But you have proved something - Someone, Somewhere, does actually care :)

Razerway, Thank you so much for responding! It helps knowing Im not the only one who feels this way :) ..... and I agree... it does seem like we are very similar... and its definitely not easy being us. I understand not wanting to talk to people you know. I don't want to talk to people i know either.. for many of the same reasons as you. But I think we can help each other. Just by talking and getting out our thoughts. It helps an unbelievable amount to just write out your feelings and know someone is listening who is not going to judge. Someone who is there to help. I will do that for you. Never be afraid to say anything.. I will never judge... and never feel bad about anything. We both gotta think about ourselves more often... and we have to look inside ourselves and start liking who we are. It sounds cliche... i know.. but i think that is our problem.. We dont like who we are... and the sad thing is we are probably really cool people.. ha. I already like you from what I see. I wanna help you get out of your situation.. and you can help me avoid it. <br />
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(ps its helps to listen to music when you are alone .. or really all the time... all kinds of music.. happy, sad... whatever mood your in, just listen to some music... i dont wanna sound corney, ha but music is like an outet to the soul and it feels like it kinda heals... just give it a try if you can!)

Hey Bridgebuff ... i hope i could do u any help....<br />
we'are similar in many ways ive realised...... and maybe different too(dont knw yet)<br />
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im never to be said from the selfish type.. all i care about is others and their feelings..and this thing is ruining my life...id love to give a piece of advice to all ppl this way....try and fix it as early as possible, or else ur gona be in a loss...<br />
+ it ****** offf thinkin of how guys think of the bad overexperienced gurls, whereas the well honest Good mannered ppl dont get anything they deserve... not even part of what they wish for all the others( others contained in their big hearts)<br />
life is tufff *Good ppl who appreciate or care are vanishing or even who deserve..<br />
..im usually helpful to my friend talkin about solutions but wen it comes to me ..theres nothing i can do... i hate this... but then if i do something a bit bad for others( i hope i once feel the joy.more than a sec)....i regret even thinkin so...i get hurt usually even more than the person suppossedly to be... but it KILLS ME afterwards....<br />
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I NEED HELP FORMATTIN MY PERSONALITY AND WAY OF FEELINS...thats wat i always say to friends and hope will one day come true...so i can fix my whole life<br />
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the bad thing is that i keep all the bad stories or situation to myself cant talk them out....though my friends are so good 7aram and they are always forcin me to speak them out ... bt i jst cant do it ... and if i do i feel worst somehow... but i wish i can talk to someone(for some reason i dont want it to be some1 i knw) maybe cos i dont want them to notice how easly i get hurt or how oversentive i am (though thats wat they say oready ) but if they can get to wat annoys me theyll feel its so oveeer...+ i feel like their hair's gonna get white.... i hate to distract anyone with what does to me, by tellin them<br />
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IM HATIN MYSELF nowaday .. cos i cant help myself....aghhh....GOD HELPS<br />
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wish u all the best my friend... in case u wanna talk im sure ready inshalla.... but i hope u can help urself and never reach my state...as i hate it for myself....tc