I have been depressed as long as I can remember since I was a kid.  I used to have friends in high school, but after a yearlong relationship with a literal psychopath who basically destroyed me from the inside out, I didn't have any friends left.  I guess they weren't really my friends anyway, because once other people in the group started getting drivers' licenses, I stopped getting invited out.  Sometimes I would call my "friends" to hang out and they'd say "Oh we're about to go out and _____" but they wouldn't invite me.  It didn't take me long to stop trying.  Then I started smoking weed every day to help me cope with my severe depression.

Now I'm 26 and I FEEL SO ALONE ALL THE TIME.  I'm at work right now trying not to cry because I feel I have no one to turn to.  I am not close with my family except for my sister, and she just told me she's tired of hearing me b.i-t-c.h about my problems.  She's the only person I would call to talk to about problems because I didn't want to burden any of my other friends with my problems, and now I don't even have her.  She acts so high and mighty because she -- being only 21 -- has her life totally together, manages her finances well, is graduating college early and has a long term bf she's thinking of marrying.  Meanwhile I am 26, buried in stupid debts, bills always paid late because I can never catch up, and never finished school because I hate school.  The closest thing I have to a relationship is a f.u-c.k buddy who is kind of an a.s-s.hole.  I am terrified of a real relationship, of trusting someone and opening my heart.  I feel like no one understands me or cares.  I wish I didn't exist.  I hate this life so much.  I'm so tired of just surviving and not enjoying anything except sex with a man who doesn't care about me at all which is going to end sooner or later and can never become anything more.

When I call the people whose phone numbers I have because supposedly we're friends, they never answer or call back.  I usually end up drinking and smoking pot by myself.  Even my pet birds don't like me.  I don't think anyone likes me.  I'm such a weird person, way too outspoken and I have mood swings because of my struggle with depression.  I'm in my head a lot, caught up in a tornado of thoughts that are usually a mix of fears, wishes and regrets.  I just want to cry but I have so much I need to do I can't take the time (or let my makeup run).  So I hold it inside and keep it to myself until I'm so full of sadness it starts spilling out all over the place --- usually at the worst possible time under the worst possible circumstances.  Thank god I can at least vent here although typing to other anonymous people isn't all that therapeutic.  I could go on for pages and pages just complaining about how depressed I am.  Sigh.  I'm so jealous of happy people.  I don't even know how to be happy.... it's a skill that seems to have escaped me.

cssoulsearching cssoulsearching
26-30, F
Mar 4, 2010