I Hate My Life

Hate is a strong word, but how else do I qualify how I feel. Everything that I expected or wanted in my life has turned to crap or eluded me, and although I'm not a saint, but I have always thought of myself as a good person. It begins with my birth. I already started out with a disadvantage, as I believe that my mother drank too much alcohol before I was born, and I think my parents only got married because I was on the way( they're getting divorced after 42 years of marriage, and my mother recently said she was unhappy most of my life). I had unrecognized learning disabilities for which there were no services at the time. Consequently I was a much maligned, mediocre student, who never achieved much. My college degree in Special Needs was a joke (I have always done what I was encouraged to do, not what I wanted to do in life). My last college boyfriend, who no one liked, and was horrible to me, got me pregnant. I had no support from anyone, and he strongly encouraged me to get an abortion via threat of physical harm and abandonment. (This is something I would never have done if I had had support, and painfully regret this every day of my life). I have no self esteem, have been in many dead end relationships, and have been married to a man now for eight and a half years. He seems to love me in his own way, but he is controlling, manipulative, stingy, and lazy. We are not intimate, as he is, I believe asexual, and horrible in bed. Consequently, I am childless, he doesn't want children anyway, even though he promised we would have them before we got married. He behaves alternately like a child and an old man, but I am trapped do to my respect for the institute of marriage. Besides I have very little money of my own, even just to leave my situation in an honest manner. I have very few friends due to a number of reasons: low self esteem, my husband's control issues, and being misjudged or misiterpreted by many people. I feel lonely, sad, and unloved, and I wish I could be someone, or somewhere else, where I could start over. I need help, advice!
Catamaryllis1 Catamaryllis1
41-45
1 Response Jan 5, 2013

just get a divorce. go to college again. get a good job and have some kids. get a good life going. everyone deserves one. dont be afraid to stand up for whats right. higher your self esteem dont let anyone bring you down