Maybe Its Me

Lately its been everything. The kids and the way they behave, the relationship I find myself in , the mistakes I have made deciding what is and isnt best.

 I am just to the point I am on edge and its jump or keep your balance. What can I do to ease all this tension? Why am I feeling so overwhelmed with every little thing in my life.

I was 17 when I became a mother and got married, I divorced at 24. I really havent lived life except for on the outskirts of my responcibility. Am I having resentment? And why?!

How can I be so angry that my life has turned out just the way I wanted. He got the house his freedom and out of my hair. I got the kids. Thats all that I wanted. But if thats infact true why am I left feeling like I can not do this alone?!

I feel like no matter what I do I cant do it right, and it seems even joining this site , maybe I am comming up for every excuse possible. Somewhere to point my finger, something to make me feel better about who I am becoming. And all fingers point at me.

I jumped out of my marrige only to 6 mo later endulge myself in a relationship with a man 17 years older.

Someone said to me once. Change is big , to change you have to want it more than anything in life. More than your next breath. Than why am I so terrified?!  someone please tell me they understand!

hunny28 hunny28
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 14, 2007

Dear Hunny,<br />
As the mother of three children, one of whom is autistic, I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR! Even though my husband and I are still together, it has been a real struggle! Two affairs later (on his part), no communication, no common interests....he has "had his cake and eaten it, too" if you know what I mean. But through all the pain and misery, I had - and still have - the one thing that brings me comfort and peace in this crazy world....faith. Faith is the ability to believe in things you cannot see or feel...faith in yourself as a person, faith in yourself as mother, faith in yourself to somehow maintain your sanity in this upside-down crazy world. I have faith in these things because my faith comes from the only source that can provide and sustain my ability to keep living - faith in an all powerful God. I am not preaching religion, righteousness, or church. I am talking about having a relationship with the only being who truly knows you and understands you - and despite our faults and shortcomings, He still loves us! That's the hardest part for me to believe, but I believe it with all my heart. When I fail as a person, displaying my worst temper tantrums or saying a bad word - He still loves me. When I fail as a mother, yelling at my kids and slamming the door - He still loves me. When I pout with my husband and say hurtful things by bringing up the past - He still loves me. <br />
So, dearest Hunny, even though I have no magical cure to make your life any easier, no fairy dust to sprinkle to make your world brighter, I do know one person who does - God. Look to Him. You can find Him everywhere, but especially right beside you. He is there, waiting for you to acknowledge His presence.<br />
If you need true understanding, find a church close to your home and attend one Sunday. You will find others who feel your pain but find that in coming together to worship and fellowship, they find peace.<br />
Good luck, my dear Hunny, in finding true love and real peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
A Sister Who Understands