The Tree Of Life

I honestly don't even know where to begin my story. By times it feels like I am a hundred years old, and my actual age doesn't really do me justice when it comes to suffering. I know a lot of people feel the way I do, and my problems are just another reflection of the selfishness of our modern society, but I can't help but feel empty and lonely. At my age I should be in university and it IS my dream to finally be able to go and study next year. But the last two years I just have been wandering, trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I have this irrational fear of making choices, especially the bad ones. Unfortunately, I tend to make those pretty much all of the time. Spiritually, I feel broken at the moment. I feel like I hit rock bottom and at this moment I'm on the crossroad of my life that will decide the rest of my future. But gggrrrr.... I'm just so bad at making those decisions, I panic and run towards whatever would make me happy with making the least effort. I know what to do, but I refuse to do so. For years I said to myself and the rest of the world that I was just a lazy person and nobody ever questioned it. It felt obvious, then I started reflecting upon it. "If I know what to do, why don't I just take action? Even it is just one step at a time? It's not that much effort." So I started looking in myself, you could almost call it "meditating" and I figured that all this time I have been so scared. What if I do put everything in my power to set the future straight, but it will be insufficient? I feel like if I ever would be confronted with that situation, I would lose all purpose in life. Everything I have ever worked for, all the small steps I have taken. It all would have been in vain. In our anthropocentric way of thinking, it would feel as if we have failed as a human being. At this point whenever I think about the future, all I see is fog, even as I stare out of the window at this very moment, it feels as if the streets are a reflection of my thoughts. A foggy labyrinth. Honestly, I don't wish to die. I must admit that death terrifies me. I'm not afraid of dying, I'd just rather not be dead. I love life, even it if makes me sad. It feels like it's this giant puzzle of 10000000000 pieces that needs to be solved, and who knows one day I might finally be able to lay down that final piece, sigh, and be satisfied with the result. But for now I can honestly say that I'd rather be sad for the rest of my days than be dead...
LouicXVI LouicXVI
Dec 13, 2012