I Hate What I Have Become

People think that i act the way i do because they have this crazy idea that i like being like this? The same people also think that i just want attention?
Or maybe its just my head screwing me over again?

My life is so f****d up, i no longer know who the hell i am anymore. I guess you can say that i don't really care if i die today or live to fight another day.
I mean who the hell would miss me anyway? Im hated everywhere i go. I get looked down by everyone. I get put down and treated like dirt. Everyone close to me ( Family, no friends sadly) knows that im already dead, they just wanna know when. It's no surprise that i have no self esteem. Everyday to me is like a nightmare from hell.
I f****d up my life so badly beyond repair and past the point of no return.
I wish there was a really good reason for me to live, but all i find is blood.

People seem to think that im a sick and twisted person, or just plain weird.
Maybe i am in a slightly strange way. But i wouldn't say im sick in a perverse or gross way.

I find that humans are the most sickest and most dangerous specie's on the planet and to think that we are evolving? More like de - evolving. we have become more and more detached from nature and more concerned about the next big thing or chasing bill's and for what? If this is everyone's idea of being happy i.e working like a slave to paper so we can spend it on whatever s**t we like when we want; Being a slave to money for the rest of your dam life, it isn't happiness at all. We can never ever get enough of what we want, and if we keep wanting these things, there is a consequence for that. There is no sustainability for the rate we are going in.
Our whole global economical system has been geared towards growth.

Money is one of the reasons why so many people kill themselfs.
monkeylala monkeylala
26-30, M
2 Responses Sep 23, 2012

This is currently the same way I feel with added details, I enjoy being outside, most people dislike everything I belive in, the logic I use makes no sense to others, I get into arguments all the time, just currently told my manager off the others day and quit my job, I enjoy other things most can't live to do anything with to help or support me, and I have no idea what I want to do in life because I hate being around people, I don't want to help people with their problems because I've got plenty of them stacked, I hate being told what to do by people I personally feel I could do their job better (Note I do not consider myself to be better then anyone), my granparents are giving me a year and 1/2 to get my troubled life together without providing any back-up support, I'm in my early 20's and feel useless (not suicidal) but, enough to think I'm gonna end up struggling my whole life. I wake up everyday hoping that I find myself again, but I've been lost for so long I don't think I'll ever find who I am.

Wow, I am tryin to understand how you feel ( I won't say that I do understand just because I don't think its that easy to understand another person's feelings). I can relate to the majority of your story.