Who Am I And Worse Yet Where Have I Gone?

This has been the most difficut year of my life; a year of pain, suffering, loss, depression, and worse yet being faced with the reality that something signifcant has died inside of me and I cannot identify what it is that has died.

I have no interest in life, nothing brings me any joy, I have no spark, no zest, and no meaning or purpse for my life anymore. Now, I know this sounds like depression and part if it is as I have struggled with depression all of my life.

I am also aware that this all sounds depressing right now and it is, but this is my reality right now. I am feeling like something inside of me has died and that a whole aspect of who I am or who I was has gone, but I cannot comprehend or articulate what it is that has died or is now missing from deep within me.

I am experiencing a numbness, a feeling of death, as though something has died and left me with no awareness of what this death may be. Now, I have been to the depths of my soul in pain and suffering so I understand the dark side of the soul, but this feels very different. I feel numb, empty, alone, lifeless is the best description, lifeless.

No one understands and this is a dangerous place for me. Many days I sit and reflect on life and death. I walk pretty close to God as he is the only one who hears me. I have pretty much removed myself from people who judge and don't understand.

I have been off work almost a year now due to this life crisis I have been experiencing. I just dont know what is missing from my life? If I were to know I would wager that all the people who have left my life really affected me along with my own self abandonment or better yet separation from self. I really don't know whats wrong with me but sure wish I did.

I am always alone, just me and God. I do spend sometime with my closest friends througout the month. My friends know something isn't right with me and that I seem to be quite fragile. Not sure what's died, but sure could use some support.

I spend most days in my bed away from the world and to be a woman who has gone from feeling deeply to feeling deadened is quite the extreme. I am also a woman who springs back quite quickly, but there is no spring in me whatsoever. I don't know what its going to take to bring me back. My fear, would if I never do, then what?
Deadinside1 Deadinside1
46-50
Sep 17, 2012