I Hate My Life. I Can't Believe I Have Let Myself Fall So Low.

Yes, I feel sorry for myself.  Yes, I know it could be worse.  I don't care.  I hate my life and I hate what I have let myself become. 

No, I do not get hit or beaten physically.  Emotionally however I have been torn down bit by bit by bit and I hate him for doing it.  I hate myself for getting in this position.  I am stuck in it for 14 more years...... ugggggggghhhhhhhh.....

I am married to a sneaky, coniving jerk.  Again... let me tell you that I know it could be worse but I am also tired of being told that.  My situation sucks and I am allowed to be unhappy.  Just because I am not being hit doesn't make my life suck any less. 

The worst part is that I could have had an amazing life and I managed to screw it up.  14 more years.  Then my son will be safe in college.  Then I can be free and escape.  Be myself again. 

Here I sit - alone on mothers day... with my ******* husband sitting in front of the television again while he eats his dinner... and worse yet the bastard brought food out there for my 5 year old too......  today sucks.  Any day that is meant to celebrate me or involves giving me a gift really sucks because I am always ignored on these days.  I got nothing for Christmas and my son asked me later... Mommy were you bad all year?  I said no honey, I got some Christmas Candy - I just didn't need anything this year.  Nothing on my birthday, valentines day, mothers day.  Of course his sisters always get something.  He also helps them with dishes, puts their toilet seats down and oh yes, makes them the beneficiaries on his secret safety deposit box, bank accounts and life insurance policies.....  This is the same person that secretely tapes our conversations on little mini tape recorders in his pocket.  This is the same person that told me he wanted to dance on my mother's grave.  This is the person that I have NO PROOF of his..... bad behavior. 

There are things he has done that I can not prove.  So if I leave and take my son, he gets half time visitation WITHOUT me there to stop it when things go "bad".  So until my son is out of the house or until I can prove these things, I can't leave.  To the outside world he behaves so normally but it is like he is a split personality.  He becomes so ............... different when everyone else leaves.  It is so strange. 

14 years.... then I can live again.tj
Fourteenyearstogo Fourteenyearstogo
41-45
May 13, 2012