Life Feels Surreal
I bet there are other people with similar stories to mine. This has been weighing on me the past year.
I was raised in a decent family. Decent as in saying, they had their faults, dad with a temper, moody, and a mom who since I was a child never shows physical affection, unless it was a quick hug on a special occasion. However, they are human so I can forgive that. They never purposely abused me.
However, this is my issue now...Life feels surreal. Unreal. I have a hard time imagining reality. I don't think I think like other people. I was raised in a majorly christian household, first off. Both parents went to christian college, both grandpas were methodist preachers, both sides very theological and intellectual. I was homeschooled so christianity or theology was my life. You wouldn't dare question my faith! As I grew older, I started having questions. I didnt feel "god". A lot of it didnt make sense. But I held on. I went to college and learned about science, the brain, and the universe, and religion. Best friend turned boyfriend didnt believe in a god; I studied peoples thoughts from around the world (just youtube all the different religions, and peoples opinions in their own religion.) and as my faith slowly dwindled I have now come to the shocking conclusion I just don't believe it anymore. I always told myself that I would take truth, even if it wasnt what I wanted to hear. It took a looong time, yearss to think for myself. I don't dare tell my parents I don't believe how they do anymore, although they may suspect it. Ive seen and learned and experienced too much to believe in religion or god anymore. I am very idealistic so its very strange that I would come to a less desirable conclusion. I still hold on to the hope there is poetic justice, somewhere, somehow. I went from Methodist Christian, to Non Denominational Christian, to omg what kind of christian or religions should I believe in? to Agnostic, to Agnostic leaning towards Atheism. I simply do not think you can believe in something just because you feel it.
My belief now is that we know far too little still to make any good conclusion to life. If there is a god I believe it may be completely different from any thought system we have. If there is life after death, which is unlikely, it probably is a different form than we think. (Sidenote, no one wants to go to hell. Everyone assumes somehow theyll go to heaven along with the ones they love. For the most part I think no one deserves hell, right? But on an unpopular look, I don't really know anyone who deserves bliss after death either.) We still know so little about the universe, I will remain open minded to logic and truth that goes against my irrational delusional idealistic personality type. And so, I look at the sun, realize that we are specs in the universe, among billions of stars and planets, and life just feels surreal. I feel, detached, somehow. It would be far better to believe in a buddy jesus that always listens to me and god who loves me like a father and a blissful heaven when I die, however I just can't believe it anymore. And to be surrounded by so many delusional thoughts, everyone so happily going along because they think they've got it figured out, I can't help but feel in a fog.
Gearing up for Christmas when all my relatives come over and discuss theology. I wish I still did, but after being separated from the delusion slowly and surely, I just feel like an outsider. My dad always said no one has morals if they dont believe in god. Funny thing is, and I never expected it either, I'm the same person with the same morals and compassion even though I dont believe anymore! That's interesting.
I hope I can make the best of this life.
daniellemartine88 22-25, F 1 Dec 10, 2010