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Departmentalization Is How I Survive

ADD, Fibromyalgia, Bi-Polar, & Addiction: I've combined these diagnoses together because they play off of each other a lot. I am being medicated for my ADD, although it helps me just as much for my fibro fatigue & brain fog. My ADD makes it hard to focus because I get distracted easily, either by what feels like sensory overload (sight & sounds) or by my own thoughts. During fibro flare ups, I can become hyper sensitive to my 5 senses, even being touched can hurt. My memory is very poor. The medication for the ADD also triggers manic episodes at times.  I happen to love it when it happens because I don't feel the fibro fatigue.  I can actually be active AND have a life.  I do experience less sleep while manic. Typically it's for 4 nights with only 2 - 4hrs of sleep.  By the 4th day I get tired and really want to sleep.  I mostly deal with the depression from the bi-polar although I suspect the PTSD started it. Typing this would be too difficult from the fatigue or ADD if I wasn't on my meds tho.  Needless to say, being that the med for my ADD is a narcotic, my addiction can and does raise its ugly head.  At times it feels like a dilemma, but most of the time not.  The hardest part is figuring out what symptom is caused by what diagnoses.  

 

I knew I was an addict by the time I was 12.  My father was an active alcoholic and my mother had MS.  I was the middle child of 5 and felt like the typical lost child.  Both my parents beat us.  The emotional pain caused by my own mother beating me was the worst.  My uncle told me some horrible stories about it even while I was a toddler.  By the time I turned 15 I got sucked into an occult.  My father had 4yrs of sobriety by then, but was uglier than when he was a drunk.  We were well fed and dressed, but grossly neglected.  I would come and go as pleased for days at a time.  When my father threaten to beat me one morning when he got home from work, my mother called our family Dr and they institutionalized me with insane adults. This was back in the early 70's when all they knew was to heavily medicate you.  Then my family left me and went to Europe for a month.  I attempted suicide on 3 occasions and continued to be moved from one location to another.  The last place I was admitted ( almost a year has gone by) I successfully ran and ended up living with bikers in the Black Hills of SD.  I started using the needle (just before I turned 16) and did some heavy drug use daily.  This also included acid to the point of becoming a zombie.  Someone said to me " how come you never talk?" and that was my 1st awareness that I didn't.  Then I realized 1/2 the time I couldn't remember my name.  It got worse because I couldn't make any sense out of TV commercials.  To make this chapter in my life shorter than not, I got clean just before I turned 18.  For the 1st 4 yrs of recovery I had relapses.  Then I had 12 yrs of sobriety.  

 

My 1st marriage at the age of 18 was violent with domestic abuse.  I went into labor at 5 months along with my 2nd child after having been slugged in the stomach. After a prayer the labor stopped, even when the Dr's said there was nothing more they could do.  My 2nd marriage was very sick.  I was 29yrs old and divorced for the 2nd time when I decided, with an 8th grade education, to earn my G.E.D.  I took the pretests in 1 day and was told I didn't need to study any subjects.  I failed the math, but did so well with the others I was told to just go take the tests..  I took all 5 exams in 1 night and walked out with my diploma.  I then went to college for 3 yrs.  With the help of a study skills class I obtained a 4.0 GPA.  Now with my poor memory I fear appearing stupid.  My vocabulary is just not what it use to be and I speak in simple terms although my life feels complexed.

 

PSTD - 2 of my daughters at young ages were raped.  As a mother knowing how bad they were hurt, it broke me to see them suffer  .  Their father never did participate in their parenting and refused to have anything to do with them after we parted.  Even when I told him what happened and they had been crying for him.  It also started bringing up my own sexual & physical abuse memories within my family, and last but not least some occult abuse (another story). I was in intensive therapy and hospitalizations for 10 yrs and then I started drinking again.

 

I married a 3rd time to a best friend and then later came out to myself as a lesbian.  I divorced once again and came out in public.  I've been in 3 life long committed relationships with women.  It was when I was with my 4th girlfriend that I started crack cocaine.  It boils down to 10yrs of heavy drinking with the last 3 yrs of smoking crack every day.  I went through treatment 4 times being prompted by more domestic abuse and then homelessness to get help.  When I got clean this last time I couldn't make any sense with my words.  They would come out disorganized.  People would look at me confused and would say they don't understand what I'm trying to say.  I feared I would never speak normal again.  I will now have 5 yrs of being clean and sober come Dec. 12th.

 

After my last treatment center I went into a half-way house with 29 other women for 3 months.  I will never do that again.....no joke.  Anyhow, I then didn't have anywhere to go so I moved in with my father who is seriously narsissistic according to my psychiatrist.  I was with him for 1.5yrs and suffered from PTSD not only from my childhood but also from new behaviors of his.  Can you imagine finding out your daughter has cancer but your father claims she's only a drug addict and wants more drugs while screaming 6" from your own face that "SHE DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!".

 

That's why I chose to actually live in my haunted apartment which included demons (but that's a different story)  instead of moving back with him.  I've been gone for 4 yrs now and haven't talked with him for over 2 yrs till I just saw him at a family wedding.  I'm not out to hurt him  I feel sad for him now.  I just can't deal with him in my life.  I have a book for Adult Children of a Narsissistic Parent and I can't read it through all my tears.  The effect it has on a child and the characteristics caused by having such a parent are devastating to say the least.

I finally moved out of the haunted apartment into a new place and feel like I can actually breath again.  My health is better and I'm starting to have a life.  After dealing with the occult memories and the demons in my last place, my psychic skills have greatly improved.  I now have more gifts/skills than I did before.  I'm learning Reiki and doing well.

This writing had turned into a mini life story instead of the different aspects of my personality.  I will say I no longer believe in man made religion and choose to live by the natural spiritual laws.  My outlook on life is very serious since most of my experiences kept me in a survival mode.  I  do love to have fun tho and have an odd sense of humor where I crack myself up.  I strive to keep drama out of my life & my family means everything to me.  I tend to spend a lot of time alone but  still need a few close people in my life. I value continuous learning in all aspects and make every effort to gain personal growth. Life can still be hard sometimes, but I appreciate the good times even more now.

Love & Light,

WarriorMom 
  

 
WarriorMom WarriorMom 51-55, F 1 Response Jul 11, 2012

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That's a lot of labels that have been put on you! Wow! I hope you don't buy into them all and just realize that you are just you.