I Don't Know Who Is The Real Me

Sometimes I feel nothing is real. Like I'm dreaming, or watching a movie through my own eyes. I see my hands, and can normally speak and think, but I don't think it's really me. It's like being in a dream. My head just feels far away. I can make decisions, but it's just not me. I feel like I'm not really there.

Among other things, I have problems taking decisions. Sometimes, Im too angry, so I hold over decisions and choices because the "angry me", isn't the real me. Sometimes it is the "happy me", or the "depressed me". I can't make decisions because the next day I won't have the same needs or goals. I can't really plan anything because I don't know who I will be that day.

I think this might have to do with the fact that I might be borderline. I haven't had a real diagnosis, but last year I went to a psychologist who told me that I "might be" borderline, but she didn't work diagnosing people so I never knew. Recently, my alternative therapist (I go to acupuncture therapy because of anxiety and angst issues) told me that I might be borderline too when he saw the scars of the cuts I had done to myself recently.

When I was 14 I had a depression that isn't completely gone. I had to go through it by my self without the help of anybody. My mother never knew, because she is never at home and is kind of workaholic.

My parents divorced last year, and I didn't feel anything. I wasn't sad, or happy, or anything. I worried because I think it is a bit weird not to feel anything about this.

I'm scared of people, and I'm really paranoic when I leave the house. I just want to be unnoticed, not talked to and I wish no one over asked me any questions of any sort.

I think it's time to seek for help, but I can't ask for it. My mother denies everything that I feel (not that I tell her a lot), for example she attributes my anxiety to the TV or computer. But I'm beginning to be scared, because I don't know what I will be capable of next. Sometimes I feel the need to harm or to destroy. Normally I harm myself. But other times I feel the need to destroy my friends and my family. I love them, but I don't why sometimes I feel the urge to make them suffer. The other day I was feeling so good, that I felt invincible. I ate a lot, like really a lot, without thinking in the consequences because I was too happy. And then I wanted to vomit. Suddenly, the idea of inducing vomit didn't look so bad. I didn't do it. But the idea is still there. I'm afraid that i can't control myself.

Sometimes I don't feel anything. Sometimes I feel a baseless rage and shout at everyone around me. I have convinced myself for too long that what I feel and experience is normal . But I've had enough. But I don't know where to get a real diagnosis about what's going in my head, and I'm too ashamed to talk to my mother.

Nobody knows this, so thank you for taking your time reading this. There are more things about me that I don't want to write because this would be too long. If my friends or family read this, they would be really shocked. They think I'm happy.
someone182 someone182
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 9, 2012

Thanks so much for posting this a lot of it matches up almost dead-on with what I'm going through and puts in words things I wasn't able to really put in words before

thank you for reading! take care

You're not alone. I've had the same problems for a long time too. Since I was around ten, when I had my first panic attack. I go through episodes of depersonalization and dissociation. How you described watching a movie through your eyes reminds me of my struggle to explain to others. I feel like I'm somewhere else, remotely working the controls on my body. I feel like my eyes are a camera lens, that I'm watching from far away. I've been diagnosed with PTSD because I was molested as a child, but I can't help but wonder if it's not also genetic. My mom and grandfather both had "nervous breakdowns" before I was born. They died a long time ago so I don't have any way to ask them for details.
My case manager recently brought up "schizo-affective disorder" because of these episodes. She wants me to start taking anti-psychotics. I freaked out because it sounds scary, but I assumed they must think I'm psychotic, but she said sometimes those meds help with depersonalization. I don't know. I don't see anything like that on the medical websites. I get scared to take all these meds. I took Buspar a while and it made me have really, really bad dissociation episodes. I have taken Zoloft over a year and while it's helped with the panic attacks, I still feel detached.
I have also dealt with binge eating for most of my adult life. I can't throw up either. I shovel food in until I'm so sick all I can do is just lay there.
I know how alone you feel. When I try to describe what's going on in my mind my friends and family act like maybe I might just be making things up to get attention. I'm not a kid. I'm 42 years old. I have cuts up and down my arms because sometimes the only way to feel like I'm back in my body is to hurt myself. I've gotten to the point where I just don't talk about it anymore. When people ask how I'm feeling I just say fine. Fine. It really does seem easier just to be by myself.
Have you ever seen the movie Numb, with Matthew Perry? If not, you should. It's about a guy who goes through basically the same thing and how he learns to adapt.
Don't be afraid to tell people. What we're going through is a health issue, not something to be ashamed of. Just going through talk therapy is helping me deal with being out of my body. I'm going to start EMDR too, for the PTSD, and I'm really hoping it helps with the other stuff. It took me until I was forty years old to finally break down and ask for help but now I do feel like maybe I can get better. Most days anyway. :)
Take care of yourself, okay?

Whoah, thanks for reading and for your advice :) it feels nice to know I'm not the only one who has been through this. I was taken to the shrink, and he gave me anti-psychotics too, but to control my irritabilty. Maybe it helps with depersonalization too. He also gave me anticonvulsants for my mood swings. He said I had an affective disorder, but that just leaves where I am. I will watch the film, seems interesting!