You're A Victim Of The Rules You Live By

I am not sure who i really am. My Whole life i have either been depressed and secluded myself during hard times with my eating disorder, using drugs and alcohol with friends and feeling happy and wreckless, smoking pot heavily and daily for a couple of years, back to isolating myself with my disorder, and then i quit weed, started addies again, got a job, went back to school, loving life, slipping further into my addiction, no longer loving life so much.
One second i am happy, ecstatic even and the next i am miserable. Up and down every day, or week, or month.
I never know how i will feel or who i will be tomorrow.

I sometimes push people away, then i want nothing more than to surround myself with them. Sometimes i complain and act like a negative person, then i am the most positive cheerful one in the room. I don't know who my authentic self is.
I am always something different than i was yesterday.

I'm sure if i quit all my addictions and learned how to love myself and eat healthy, then i could discover who i really am. But i don't know where to begin. I go through every night telling myself that i will quit adderall or start eating healthy, then i wake up the next morning and repeat all of my mistakes.
Am i just hopelessly lost? I know i have to want to change before i can, and i don't fully want to yet.
Searchingsoul9 Searchingsoul9
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

You are NOT lost or hopeless at all. On the contrary, you're very wise. You have the desire and almost enough motivation. All you need is a little more push, it won't take much. You already know once your feet are firmly on the path you're going to keep them there. There are two ways the extra motivation will come: one would be when the addiction causes an incident that threatens your health or even your life, the other one is finding a support ststem to help you push your resolve through the decisions so you'll keep making the decisions you already know are right. Seek out either a group like na or choose a friend you can tryst who can sponser your recovery by talking you through those difficult moments that come and go. You're going to be fine!

"tryst".... What a typo!! Lol! Read: TRUST. Whoopsie!

I wouldnt say that your hopelessly lost... we are lost. blindfolded, tangled up in our addictions. Its sad because if we cut out our drugs, things would get better. Its weird tho that you say that you know you need to change but you dont want to yet... thats the thing... idk how long you've been doing this exactly... but i mean ive been doin this for a really long time but yet im still not ready.. i dont even get high anymore and im not ready to quit... it scares me to think about whats going to have to happen to me for me to want to change. Because to be frank; i dont like who i am when im sober... because its not me. its some unknown stranger that i cant relate too.

"Because to be frank; i dont like who i am when im sober... because its not me. its some unknown stranger that i cant relate too." THIS.
I totally get that. I am okay with being sober when i am around other people, but when i am alone it's like torturous having to be in my head with my sober mind/thoughts

for me idk what it would take to be even remotely okay if i were sober... but maybe its jus i havent been surrounded by the right ppl in that time. maybe if i was with someone who i really cared about things would be okay... but idk... i get stuck in my head alot too and the thoughts that emerge in that time are rather scary... if i can ask what kind of thoughts are they that really bring you down?

Usually when i think about some of the really bad decisions i've made this past year. On the one hand my life improved a lot, i got my **** together and starting to build my life...but on the other, i got worse with my drug/alcohol use and started being reckless and did some ****** up things. So, when i am sober i think about that stuff and my conscience eats me alive. Also, i have pretty severe anxiety and when i'm sober i worry about everything. Logical or illogical. Or i worry about gaining weight pretty much constantly