Its No Wonder Men Run Away From Me With My Over Imaginations

I have a mind that plays tricks on me.  it will beat me down or curse me.  treat me like a fool... make me babble and shake.. take today I was on my own at the bus stop having a vegi-fruit juice drink and trying to stear the troley... now before I go much further ...lonely women really know the bad mechanics of those stupid things never notice or they handle the malfunctioning with what appears to be complete eaze... compared to me.

if you ever doubt yourself just find a trolley to show up your complete inability to drive ...!!!

but I began to shake a bit and why ? was it the cool air or the thought all of a sudden realising I am so alone in this world? and my fear of not being able to cope alone?? getting weak and vulnerable? 

my mind is a non-sense in itself... I fear I can't add up basic maths, I fear I will never drive again.  I fear the shocking grip of reality and just sometimes in my sleep I will wake up in a trauma feeling that sinking pit feeling... you know the scene of Return of the Jedi where they face the bottomless sand pit ... life feels like that for me sometimes.  maybe its turning 40 and feeling unsure more of myself than before. but I got that feeling today in my wake state and it was terrifying.

why do I slip into a mental stupor really believing aliens and the dead waking and walking to me in my sleep like out of Thriller video that they are after me

I used to walk home from work when I was working for the podiatrist and how the hell could I tell a man I was romanticly fond of all this crap in my head that makes me fearful and stupid.... would you walk home in winter at 6pm or 6.30pm or 7pm thinking grave robbing monsters are creeping around following you... ? or you get fixations that you seen a ghost riding a bike in all white or a dead man walkin in daylight and it looked like a death walking? that you fear going to the bathroom at night cuz you fear a dracular coming at you in the shower... and then you start dreaming of it having nightmears of it that make you wake in a cold sweat? 

see, its a mental stupor!  sometimes I feel embarased that my head is so dumb and there are as many tears locked away in my head as in my heart or eyes... I used to cry every night in 1997, 98, 99, 00 afraid of this old house then by 04 it was fear of dead bodies buried in the back yard

I was so traumatised by katy I believed she was dead in our septic drain out the back it looks like those round road man holes MJ hops out of in Thriller.. it was never filled... then I get paniced that someone would put bodies there and try to blame me ... and dead bodies on the roof or in the ceiling... when a man came to my window one night I just about wet my pants in fear.... he said kids were up on our roof...

I hear noises often thinking its gangs or aliens or tigers ... weird stuff

I got that way I would not walk in the day out when the circus was in town in fear the tigers or lions would be out and stalk  and kill me and that satanic businessmen were using them to kill evil night like the lions den killings while they watch for fun.

then it lead to more fears ... believing could a ghost tiger like the Preditor movie attack escaping from another dimension ... just think about it how spooky that would be in bed and seeing a tiger coming at you in your bedroom and having hallucinations... that I did start having them thinking I could see things that were not there and things moving and talking to me... like Young Sherlock Holmes...

in the midst of my dead rattle into the spiralling hell of insanity after rape and the stroke (or heart attack) I understand how the mind can haunt you

it wants to tell you something or how to deal with your problems in the wake state ... in dreams or in imagination. 

the key is finding the code or the secret or person who can let it out ... its like having a moving growing lobster in your brain and it wants to come out.

like a baby when it gets to the stage it is like "hell its time to be born already"... and the labor pains start... ! that is how the lobster crazy thoughts are in my head

how do I tell a guy I have a crush on all this and tell him how it really mentally affects me and gives me headaches and sleep problems etc and expect that he will want to take me out ?  or home or marry ???

will he think "yep, she is a nutter mate" ... when really all you want to do it just hold on to a guys heart and wrap your self in his love and have babies and sometimes I believe a mans love would take all my stupid thoughts away and make me healthy... I just have to find the right guy and a better ones from before... I want to have sex with someone I really love to feel that whole feeling .. that I have never felt yet.
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
May 10, 2012