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I Don't Feel Whole...

I have felt for a long time that love in all it's forms is missing from my life. I feel connections towards people but often feel that it is one sided and that they don't care as much about me.
I miss having a social life, having friends to chat with and go out with and I would just love to have someone in my life who I could be open with and be myself with. At the moment I feel I have a real friendship connection with a guy at work called John. But he thinks I am the same age as him (18) and I feel he would judge me if he knew my real age and how over qualified I was for the job. He is so kind and caring and makes me feel like I am worth something. He also makes me laugh a lot and it's just nice to have someone genuine around.
He reminds me of my old friend Paul. He was the husband of my ex best friend and because I don't see her anymore, I don't see him either. They laugh the same way and have many of the same characteristics. Sometimes I feel I am getting too attached to John and feel I have to stop as maybe the friendship would be wrong given the age gap and also when he finds out the truth about me, I am sure things will change.
I also miss my co workers son tremendously. He and my co worker were like family to me for a good few years but ever since he has grown up and moved on, I feel I am losing them both. He still talks about me all the time at home and everything but it's not the same. I feel like I am not allowed to be upset as people would judge me but she encouraged us to bond and I feel like it all got snatched away. I miss him dreadfully and when he was in my life it seemed like things had a lot more meaning.
I just feel sad that I can't seem to have what everyone else does, Friends, a partner and meaningful connections with others. What is so wrong with me that I can't have and keep these things?
Jenni855 Jenni855 26-30, F Jul 8, 2011

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