Finding My Way Alone

After 3 years of a relationship that both delighted and frightened me I'm alone again. I knew moments of joy but now I wonder if the joy was something I convinced myself of. The moments of fear and uncertainty were very real and did a number on my self esteem and sense of worth. In the midst of this relationship a woman I considered a very good friend fell to the wayside. As I look back I realize that I wasn't very available and understand her hurt and how our friendship suffered during that time. However, I also wonder why is that she can't seem to forgive my absence. She has done and said hurtful things to me over the years that we've known each other but I've never turned my heart on her. She however has shut me out in a most painful manner. It makes me wonder if, like my former boyfriend, she was never truly there for me unless it was somehow useful to her. I again note that for about a year I was so consumed with trying to do what I needed to do in order for my relationship work that I did neglect her. I missed her birthday party (though I gave her an expensive gift and celebrated her on another day). I think that was biggest moment I missed out on. Other events though I wasn't publicly "there for her" (ie: making a big show of it) I was there in private and ready to listen and help her think through things when she let me know she needed me. I was there but not in the way she wanted. It doesn't seem to matter that I was going through my own private hell in my relationship. I don't know what to make of any of this nor do I know where this "story" is going.

In any case it makes me wonder about me and my ability to attract those around me who are able to be as forgiving and open for me as I am for them. I'm imperfect so I'm not trying to excuse my own behavior. I'm just trying to make sense of my personal life which is on some kind of downward spiral.
inmysolitude inmysolitude
46-50, F
1 Response Dec 3, 2012

Maybe you should try to look at it from your friend perspective. Maybe your friend thought that she was only needed in your life when she was useful to you. (When you needed a friend or your boyfriend was being a jerk?) Maybe she might forgive you but it might take her some time. Boyfriends come and go but true friends are forever. I try to remember that when I am in a relationship. Perhaps you knew that relationship was not right for you but you held on to him because you felt content. What ever the situation was, I hope your friend can forgive you because you seem like a decent person.

I hope so too. I love and miss her.