Febuary 10 2013
I've been down lately and its been ticking me off. My mom recommended that I keep a diary but the possibility of one of my siblings using it as reading material in their leisure like my first one, has me wary. So I'm up here. Gonna talk about gender today in regards to me and its like a big what the **** in my brain? Like I think I might be genderqueer wanting to express as gender neutral, but I'm scared. As "progressive" as our society might claim to be I'm too scared to actually be myself?? But at the same time I feel doubting of myself, like I'm just questioning and questioning whether this is a sincere desire within myself or if I'm just being an attention ***** wanting people to look at me? Like I can't even question myself because I feel as if there is nothing to me but a big *** blank. And I'm just disgusted, because I don't feel as if I'll ever be sincere or genuine towards wants and needs that I might need, and I don't even know about that, I'm just like what the **** is wrong me. I want to be the real me but there is a question inside of me that wants to know if I was ever real or genuine with myself. And I can't stand it.