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Numb

For me, it's not really a some*thing* that's missing, more of just a feeling. I remember when I was in my early to mid teens, I would always get butterflies galore for any guy who breathed pretty much lol. And every time there was a field trip or before the first day of school each year, I would get a huge nervous feeling that would make me dread going, while at the same time I was so excited to go. These days, though, I just feel numb. I just feel very nonchalant about many things most of the time. Right now it seems like the only feelings I do get are sadness/frustration/stress. I just got married in March, and instead of the gut-wrenching nervousness lots of brides get, I mostly just had stress and a very slight tinge of excitement if I looked hard enough. I was ready to go for it, just get it over and done with almost lol. And that's fine, too, except that I just wonder sometimes if I should have other feelings instead in certain situations. A few years ago, my car was in a pretty bad shape, I was driving on the interstate 65mph with my boyfriend (who is now my husband), and all of a sudden the hood flew up. And instead of freaking out and swerving, I just calmly steered my car to the emergency lane. My then-boyfriend kept commenting on how calm I stayed and how good I did and all, which yes it's good, but the situation didn't really freak me out like it might have done someone else. Not being freaked out so easily does have its advantages, like when someone's in an accident it's easier to be the stronger person when everyone else around you is panicked and all. But it just feels like some things I am just too calm about. My sister says my dad is the same way, it's like he hides his emotions so much and always puts up a wall. And I think that might be right. I've had the wall up so long that it takes a lot to break through the wall and feel any emotions. John Mayer has a song on his 2nd album called "Something's Missing". Every time I hear that song, I really feel a connection to it. I have lots of great things going on in my life right now: a husband, a good job, a house of my own, loving relatives, etc. But the lack of emotions makes me feel like I don't appreciate it or that I'm taking it all for granted. Which I don't intend to do in any means at all. Ugh, it's just frustrating. I don't know how to get the excited feelings or the butterflies back. I don't even know if I can get them back. Some days, something is just right, I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's just how the sun looks in the sky that particular day, something will jog an old memory and I will feel those feelings for a short time, but they don't last for long. Someone commented on another story that you have to write down different positive things to make you appreciate what you have. So, even though it's not something material that I'm missing, I think I should try that out to see if it can help me.
GreenSurferDog GreenSurferDog 26-30, F Aug 26, 2008

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