I Have So Many Things Missing In My Life

Because I have so much to deal with:

My problems are the ones about 'getting along with your parents' even though I'm so young. I don't get along with my parents. I hate them sometimes. My mother works 2 jobs and always says I don't appreciate her. My father is..well I don't consider him my father. He always threats to hit me or my sister if we don't do something. The last time he actually hit me, I told him that..the fact that he is not my father. I hate his stupidity.
On weekends, the only time the family gets togheter, they start acting like a family! It's like they forget the fact that a day ago they started shouting for no good reason. What am I doing wrong? My father used to tell me and my sister, when we were young, that if we **** off our mother he would hit us, and that would be the only reason. My mother had a really ruff childhood, her mother made her work a lot and didn't care about her. But my father's childhood was ok..he just lost his dad when he was 13.
They tell us things like: 'Why don't you want to go out with us? Why don't you tell us what you want to become?' Why would I do that? They don't deserve it.
Meanwhile, me and my sister are so good at what we are doing.
My sister is really smart, she will go on bio-medical. And I'm so good at art and music. Both of us are in english bilingual high schools so there's no question whether we will be studying or not outside of Romania. We know English, Spanish, German, French, Italian, Latin. We're not stupid.
But I do have this other problem. Ever since I started high school I haven't been able to..well, study actually. I can't get my head in books, just in art or my music. I procrastinate a lot and I'm always late for school, every day.
I use to study. It's not like in the United States, we study stuff they teach in universities in other countries.
I'm a mess..I used to go to pubs close to school. But I also did that to 'study' for subjects for my paintings. And I don't even know how could I am. My friends and other people say I'm good in art and music but I want more. I need to be known.
My parents don't know a thing about this, or about my plans related to art, they don't deserve to know even if they want to. Just by mentioning them here so many times, makes me feel disgusted. They are not important to me, but they continue to disrupt me, my healthy state of mind, my karma..they destroy those everytime I come back home after school. But I'm not so healthy...I have had obsessive-compulsive behavior, a bit of schizophrenia, paranoia, suicidal attempts during my childhood. The funny things is that, my parents don't even know it. I'm also introverted and extroverted. It's annoying.
I have never had a boyfriend before, though I'm cute and a lot of people told me that. But not friends. People that I barley know or don't know at all compliment me. When I was young I was so shy and boys used to pick on me a lot. I've only had a very good friend for 8 years. I've only felt in love with a person, in the 8th grade, but he liked my friend and later made fun of me.
In high school everything changed, I slowly became extroverted, and now I know so many people. I started going places, taking guitar lessons, experimenting for my art. But this guy from another class, started talking to me and saying things like: 'Hey, you look just like the religion teacher!' And then He started telling people that; He use to stop people on stairs and point towards me and say those words. The thing is that I did look like that teacher and I use to dress sorta akward. One day he started talking to me, he was really happy. And I told him that if he ever says anything about me looking like the religion teacher, I will never talk to him ever again. He got upset and several times after that, he wanted to reconcile with me. Once because a friend of mine told him I said hello and another time because my friend told him on messenger that she has a mission regarding me. He didn't want to hear that, he said that I should speak to him. But I can't. It's true, I really want to get along with me. I like him a lot. And it's possible that he liked me too and I skrew everything up. But I just can't. He's soooo nice and loving to all people. And I can't face him because I'm afraid he won't like me and I'll fall in love with him. What really annoys me is the way he decided to talk to me, by macking a mockery of what I look like. I know he meant it as a joke but my history is horrible during this kind of situations. He is a great guy but I don't know if he likes me anymore. He wants said to that friend of mine, after he took my jacket to put this cute little rescued dog that I had decided to take home, that he thinks I hate him. And I know my character shows that. I just wish I could stop being afraid of the way he sees me and show him that I like him so much. It may be too late.
So my problems are:
-parents(hate them)
-school(not being able to focus)
-art and music(want more)
-love(have no self-confidence)

If I look back at what I wrote..those things are my life, and well I suck big time. I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

suntpraf10 suntpraf10
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2009

.<br />
<br />
The only way for being a good and well known painter is juuuust getting concentrated on one thing: Your artistic development... <br />
Nothing but nothing else.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, can't you see how lucky you are since you have your needs in fact and a human dies in every 3.5 seconds because of only hunger, every day?<br />
<br />
A mother working in two different jobs...<br />
What a thoughtful mother!<br />
<br />
Just begin changing, dear.<br />
Be as a religion teacher; close your eyes and ears to everything except art and lessons and see how successful you'll be.<br />
<br />
Best wishes.<br />
Serdar<br />
<br />
.