Before It Was Religious Certainty. Now I’m Certain In Uncertainty.

Growing up through childhood and even after high school I had no clue about what was certain or not, it was just living life – it was so simple. Until one day I happened to ponder on the mystery of God. Most of this came about with a co-worker who would invite me to Friday night youth groups. Being naïve, not even thinking I had to question anything, I went along with everything “Religion”. At first it felt so rapturous believing in God but more so it was the hype around all the believers. But it was not too long into my Religious journey that I soon saw the façade and self-righteous attitude even in being “humble”. Although the bible said we were sinners saved by grace to bring grace to others, it made very little sense why it felt so much like a giant social club than an actual worthy cause.

I kept on in for a while meeting my wife who is religous , and having a Child. I still pursued church, the bible and God (Mostly God in fear of hell). Until one day I was reading the bible, and a question of “what is truth” came about. I could not throw faith at this as I oddly had done so many times before (probably because I was by myself and this came from the honest depths of myself, not wanting something rehearsed but demanding honesty). At this point I felt numb, not knowing how to answer, because anything regarding “having faith” could be true as witnessed in countless faiths worldwide. So instead of giving in to my beliefs, I started to challenge myself.

What I found was not a crisis of faith at all, for I saw not a religious certainty, but only a belief system. I then started weighing common sense with faith and something amazing happened! For the very first time I was thinking for myself, and granting myself permission to dig and dig into what is “true” regardless of others influence. I remember talking to a friend about the fact I did not know what an absolute truth was, for that was very uncertain to me. He then came on the defense, saying that is not possible to not have truth – you must believe in something! I was very sad that I could feel his insecurity so sharp in this matter. I responded there could be I just “Don’t Know!” I let him know there are those that remain happy and can live in this mystery just fine.

I still work for a religious place, but I stay there for now in support for my family. I remain somewhat in the closet as an agnostic. My wife knows and is very supportive in this. I love her so much! But I have been living quite solitary because most people I know are religious. I’m not really social to begin with (not because I can’t talk with people) – I just prefer to be alone most the time, because people in today’s society are exhausting with so much rushing going on. I am somewhat independent and don’t like to follow the crowd, but I do like to discuss openly on all sorts of things more on a one- on –one basis. I love to look at life in its simplicity and am content with little. Defiantly not into following society. I feel that this is another “dressing up” of our insecurities, of not understanding we are really a part of the process of everything “life” – at least as I basically see it. Anyone else go through the same deconversion as I did? Still in the closet? What steps did you take to move on and get around others of the same mind?
soliare soliare
26-30, M
May 17, 2012