I Want To Be Spock

I experience emotion very deeply. My feelings are hurt, at times, by what others would consider a teasing verbal jab. I am forced to keep this to myself, or hear the words, "Toughin' up, it was just a joke."

I do not believe I want to much. I want kindness and understanding.

I want to be able to hang out with family, the worst offenders, and not have to be on constant guard for some misspoken word or gesture that is sure to start the barrage of ha's that sting like a nest of wasps.

My friends seem to understand this and will only tease me with very small things. My friends are very few for I have followed the Quality over Quantity philosophy. Unfortunately you are stuck with family, thank goodness I only have to see them once or twice a year.

I know part of the reason I feel the "jabs" so deeply and negatively is because I have low self esteem. I am working on that.

I also feel love so deeply and become instantly blind to others negatives that I have been in abusive and offensive (to my intelligence) relationships my whole life. I am currently not in a relationship and do not want to be.

I trust instantly and completely. I now have a neighbor in my new apartment complex that is stocking me. He just wants to be "friends", while sitting in the apartment down and across from mine watching and waiting for me to step outside. I am unable not to trust, I must trust everyone because I am unable to turn off the trust for just a couple of people. Although, I now trust those that have shown they wish me harm will harm me and I trust those that have given me kindness and love to continue to do so. Trust is complex.

I have an over active sniffer: My nose is the bane of my existence. I drown my home in plug-in fragrances to cover up everyday icky smells and am only assaulted with really bad smells now and again. I scrub my home daily and to the point of hurting my body (I have fibromyalgia and multiple injuries). I can barely stand the smell that escapes from the garbage can. I have two cats. I clean there litter box twice a day, even if I can not smell it, I know eventually I will. I bring up the smell problem because I actually feel the smells. A stale smell triggers emotions of fear and sickness of panic and disorganization. Pretty smells cause calm and strangely hyper active moments, at least the plug-ins help with my energy level.

I am currently learning to understand, what for me, is the most worthless emotion:
Anger. I have become unable to keep this particular aggressive and mal-adaptive aspect of humanity at bay. I am experiencing flash-backs from my abusive childhood and truly "Hate" who I was, the child I was, mean, hateful, showy, to hyper, uneducated. I had to be a little actress, pretending to the outside world that our family was just perfect.
When I see children at play and such I am actually jealous that they get to be thus. I am in a constant state of control, my triggers are so numerous I really dislike and yes hate what I see when I glance into the mirror while cleaning it...mirrors suck.

Again I do not believe I ask to much, I want to be in control of me.

This is where I am today and perhaps tomorrow morning I will wake up and be Spock and this little informative rant will only be a subjective thought that I can remove from my memory with ease and become a productive and active member of life once again.
ladysypit ladysypit
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

think possibly another reason why you feel deeply at a teasing jab is because in the past you have dealt with manipulative people who have said bad things about you and then tried to pass it as a joke. I am saying this because I have dealt with these kind of people myself and it might've lowered my self-esteem because I thought they were a friend and maybe these are the kind of friends I deserve.

Maybe your past friends have joked about you but you couldn't trust that it was a joke and wasn't intended to hurt you because of the past manipulative people. They could even be your family members.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to "Toughen up." like somebody or yourself told you to because I think you are very emotional being and you would betray aspects of yourself if you were to toughen up. So you recognizing this moved on to kinder friends.
I think too that if you higher your esteem and believe that that stuff they said weren't true, you will be able to face your family with dignity.

If this stalker is serious then use these tips to get him to stop: http://francieweb.com/stalked/whattodo.html

I think that some of this trusting is healthy because you try and see the good in people and can easily reach out. If you can know when somebody is abusing you and stay away from them, I would say you don't "trust" them exactly. If you are staying in a abusive relationship ask yourself "Why?"

For me personally I think that the nose represents emotion and a conscious effort for searching (like a dog and cat does). So maybe you are searching for something and when you come across the bad smells (the bad stuff in life), you try and cover it up with false smells from the plug-ins (false feelings or numbing), this could even be a drug to you in a way.

You may very well hate that you couldn't control the bad stuff that happened to you or control how you reacted to it and experience anger because of that. It is understandable that you would want control over what happens and happened to you, all humans do in a sense. I want control too but I know that is part of what I need to let go to move forward. Thank you for sharing what you were like as a child, I know some kids like this and it's good to know that they are going through things. The cleaning is part of wanting control. I'm sorry if this is all very overwhelming but I feel like it needs to be said.

That thing that you said about Spock and eliminating this from your thoughts, it is better for you to go through your feelings and thoughts "good or bad" and let them go, not just avoid or delete them like he does. This will help you heal. Or maybe you thought that what you have said was insignificant and would just forget about it because it didn't effect anything. Well I'm telling you it did..

This was meant to be a reflection and evaluation of what you said, so this was really you understanding your problems not me. Although I could've gotten some things wrong. I hope that this helped you even thought it might rise up some painful memories or feelings.

Sincerely,your friend, Emma.

Emma thank you for the feed back.

I was expressing anxt (sp) and appreciate that some one read and helped with their own understandings. You hit alot on the head so to speak and yes I realize a lot of this for what it is...the control thing...that will take a long time for me to let go...because I have only recently gained control of me...the being spock was so I could take a break; after all he is half human and slipped up several times on the series lol.

Thank you again for being so thought provoking and thought ful of my past and present conditions :).

You rock,
Me