I Don't Just Feel It- I Am Totally Alone

I don't have a single person I can depend on. Everyone is caught up in their own lives.  People think my problems are silly and stupid.  They don't take me seriously because I have felt suicidal my entire life (for 42 years) and I still am alive.  I did try once before but for some reason it didn't work.  Even mixing alcohol with drugs does not work.  I think the only way to really die is to do it violently and that I am too scared to do.


Here is my life story in a nutshell.

 I have always considered myself a good person. But I have never fit in with other people.  Mostly because I could never bring myself to compromise my values.  I just couldn't accept that it is perfectly okay to cheat on your spouse, hurt other people, watch others get hurt and not do or feel anything about it. I never wanted a marriage where your spouse is so caught up in his own life that he doesn't care about yours and you have to say 'fine' to any time anyone asks you how you are because anything else raises eyebrows and gets ignored.

But people live like this.  My own family is like this.  I didn't raise my daughter to be like this.  She isn't like this to her dad or her boyfriends family or to her friends.  But she is like this to me.  I do not know why.  She hurts me everyday when I walk in the door after a hard day at work and ignores me.  It really hurts a lot and she or her dad don't care.  I don't know what I ever did to get treated like this.  I raised her as perfectly as a Mom could.  I sacrificed for her, taught her strong Godly values, encouraged her to be the best she could be.  And it all succeeded. She is planning to go to a Ivy League school for her masters degree.  She goes to church every Sunday.  She is a very lovely daughter.  And there is a problem with a our relationship.  Not on my end but on hers.  I don't know what I ever did to cause this problem and I do not know how to fix it.


I have had almost no days of happiness in my life.  But I have always set aside my own life for others as I continue to do.  I tried to live by my higher self and what I knew was right.  I was abused throughout my whole life but I tried to never let that abuse interfere or stop me from living a 'normal' life or stop me from living by what I know to be right.  The problem is that in living this way it hurts like crazy.  But the world doesn't seem to have room for problems like sadness, abuse or pain.  If you admit to any of these things you get stigmatized and the least it does it put up a barrier between you and your husband and child.  When I don't admit to these things the pain is always there but I am able to repress it and every once in awhile it gets triggered.

But I am losing my strength.  I would honestly like to die but of course I know I won't because I have felt like this every since I was a child.  That's pretty much why no one takes me seriously.  I do not have any friends or anyone I can turn to about this.  On the outside it looks like I have a perfect life.  But I don't- not on the inside.  But my inside and who I am personally isn't important to anyone and never was for some reason- though I realize that I am not the only one in this condition.  There are millions of homeless people whom no one cares about, there are people in backwards of insane asylums that even doctors have given up on, there are people who numb the pain with drugs everyday.  I realize I am not generally alone, but in the world I am a part of where you are stigmatized and looked down on if you admit to pain- I am alone.  But as I said, with millions of people in the same condition, it matters very little to anyone- we just get ignored.  The world goes on without us.  And I try to do the best I can everyday by living with what strengths I have left in me.  Most of my soul has been destroyed by abuse.  And everyday I get more and more abused.  People think that sexual abuse or physical spousal abuse is all that really matters- if your life is not threatened what are you complaining about.  But the 'big abuses' when I look back on my life were not the biggest problems I had.  What shocked me the most is that someone - a little girl could get sexually abused (me) and everyone would turn a bind eye to it.  What shocked me the most is that no one seemed to care.  Not that they didn't do anything.  It is understandable that people don't do anything.  Even in my worst abuse I understood that.  But the fact that they didn't have any feeling about it and didn't try to be your friend.  The fact that they seemed to stand up for the abuser and even be friends with them and stigmatized the one being abused is what shocked me the most.  I know that caring people do exist, but not in my world.  And so seeing that caring people exist makes it all the more painful.  I want people in my personal world to care and they don't and they never will.

I wish I didn't have these feelings but I do.  If I didn't have to live with these people everything would be okay.  But not really because something always happens everyday that triggers them.  Apart from abuse, which I have learned to deal with and is no longer a part of my life, I don't know how to deal with everyday life.  Like yesterday I was chatting with this guy I knew on the internet- I guy a grew up with and he started to call me 'luv'.  I immediately stopped chatting with him.  I didn't know if I was over reacting, but it freaked me out.  There goes another potential friend. to reconnect with.  And this know of thing happens all the time.  I will start getting to know someone and bam they will do something that shocks me- like tell me they believe cheating on their spouse is okay, or etc.  Or I realize that they look down on me or perceive me in ways that aren't true of me, or treat me like I am stupid, etc.  I don't have anyone I can depend on. Again, I realize that millions of people are feeling the same way and 'us' type of people just get ignored. But it still hurts.  These feelings get triggered because of my own incompetence in knowing how to deal with everyday situations.  If I could increase my own competence these feelings would go away.  I am not competent enough for the family I am in and that is the whole problem. 



QuestionMarks QuestionMarks
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 9, 2010

Can't post on your page, as I am not in your inner circle.


Movie about a psychopath son.

I am so sorry that I have not been a better friend..please forgive me and lets talk...I have desided to spend more time on my friends in my circle...sorry I have not been focused on what matters the most..which is nurturing the friend ships I have...Love and Light surround you Mary

Thank you for your beautiful comment.

I feel you my dear.<br />
<br />
Listen, I can give you the best and probably most unusual advice you'll ever hear. But if this does not work, I swear on my grandmothers grave I will honestly pay you my life savings, thats how sure I am that this unconventional theraputic method will work.<br />
<br />
It is called LSD (or Lysergic Acid Diethylamide). <br />
<br />
It cured my depression a million times over. I tried killing myself for years and always backed out due to being a wuss or just due to it failing.<br />
<br />
But after LSD i never even wanted to die again. I, for the first time in my life, despite everything around me being at it absolute worst....loved life. I realized how amazing it is. How beautiful everything is. even the pain, the hurt. its all art, and therefore all positive. I understood me, and my life, and the stars and the universe. How we are all one. And i've never in my life felt so real. so comfortable. so understanding of the world. And its not just something you experience whilst high on the drug. Its permanent. It has not gone away since i took it. I'm so fascinated by life and creation and the world and the universe. All my problems that once hurt me so much are now mundane and meaningless compared to THE WORLD. i'm so amazed by everything. Especially music. since I took LSD, I've realized music is an unbelivable force that can save us all.<br />
<br />
Please, seek some LSD out and take it. I swear on my grandmother's grave. It will not only help. It will FIX.<br />
<br />
take my word for it. I would bet my life on it.<br />
<br />
-Michael "the shaman" croteau