Please Save Me

I am a mother of three nearly grown kids, and one granddaughter. I have some collge behind me, and have always been good in school. I have many interests, and ususally succeed at what I do.

So why do I feel so paralyzed when I try to map out the rest of my life? I can't even commit to one job choise, one career path. I find it difficult to determine my real passion...I keep changing my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I love working a the library, for no...but I want to be my own boss, doing something I have a passion for...something that makes a difference in someone else's life, and that contributes to someone's life, even in a small way. My onterests are so varied, but I haven't yet found the one thing that completely motivates me.

In addition, I am trying to climb out of debt, but everytime i get ahead even a little, something comes up to set me back even further.

I feel trapped, and don't know how to get out, or which way to move. But I hide it well, or so i thought. People are beginning to notice the dark circles under my eyes. I talk less than I usually do. I cannot sleep, I worry more.

 

I need a retreat....a few days alone to be in solitude, and quiet, to think and figure things out, to relax. How am I ever gonna make that happen? I haven't the money to go anywahere, and I can't take a few days off work to stay home...all my kids are here.

 

*sigh*

bluehaiku bluehaiku
41-45, F
4 Responses Feb 25, 2009

Just ran accross this by chance and all I can say @ this time is that I feel the same way. I know having also goals that are fun based could help to get some good feelings substantiated again. I have lost the balance between work and play and have too become paralyzed. Make a list of things you used to enjoy and try hard to reward yourself. Even things like time out with music in the bathtub. Think of simple things. I know its easier said than done....it takes a while to get down it takes a while to get back up.

when i read your story it was as if i had wrote it as it all applys to me. i left work due to stress to start my own business to try and make my self happy not just me but my family i was makeing there lives hell just sitting there everynight not talking to anyone but i had that many ideas that i didnt know where to start.it has know been a year and i have just picked out one idea and im gonna focus on that i think thats the only way forward just try and pick something youve got an interest in and try to turn that into your job i hope things work out for you.

Caring for 3 kids, working, study, juggling bills... all while dealing with things that you're taking medication for; it's not surprising that you're feeling a bit dazed and confused. I certainly would be.<br />
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I hope the work you're doing will eventually allow you to do more than just pay your bills. I hope you find something that you enjoy - something that allows you to relax - and think clearly about what direction you want your life to go.<br />
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At the moment, I feel a bit like I'm just existing. I'm not making plans... maybe that's why life doesn't seem to be "happening".<br />
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That's not entirely accurate. Even if I'm not making plans, the government is throwing some plans at me, so I may soon be more active.

i don't know if this will help at all. maybe just to know that someone else has a similar experience. if there is any useful advice i would offer is to keep yourself rolling, even if you do feel trapped. even if, perhaps, you are fighting a desperation as the beginning of the twilight years are visible down the path still - but visible now.<br />
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i've had some extreme circumstances this past year. my wife left with our kids. i went on disability. and i find myself paralyzed, totally unwilling to adapt to a new life that i never wanted - that i consider utter failure. but even with the circumstances, i could have kept moving, kept rolling *somewhere* if just to keep myself functioning within the human race.<br />
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don't let yourself struggle with blocked goals to the point that you stop moving - and end up where i am. i don't know what else to offer.