Making the Best of It

I married my husband because I thought it was a good idea. I thought that  because he was the first guy who really wanted to have sex with me, who really got off on me that it meant this was the best relationship that I could hope for. And then our son came along and it seemed like, yeah, okay, I can do this, we'll get married, I like him and I get along with him, but as far as passion goes and actually loving him -- well this is probably what adults feel, a rational partnershop based on common values and ideas of childrearing. Then my daughter came along and it seemed a very good idea to just stay married.

Except that I got bored. Bored out of my skull. Bored with him, bored with the idea of being a parent, bored with the idea of death-do-us-part with this man. I was desperately unhappy and started to shop. That was no good, only got me a bad credit card debt that of course ended us in front of our bank manager for a consolidation loan... then I tried eating, but that only made me gain 50 lbs and be diabetic and hypertensive. Then I tried yoga and the weight came off, but I was still bored. Not loving your husband is horrible. It makes you snap at him constantly, you hate yourself for staying in this but you are trapped because of the crushing weight of the debts that you owe between you. I am not willing to live in poverty with my two children. My husband and I are cordial enough, and I feel that he genuinely does love me, but I really don't love him. I'd get out in a minute if I won the lottery, hell even if I get a better job I may get out.

I now know that settling for something is not the same as truly finding what it was that you really wanted. I should have never settled. This will be the regret that I take to my grave, thinking that I would just settle for this relationship because this is what adults do.

I am grateful for my children, because they are the joy in my life and I do value my husband, because he is a fabulous father and without him, I would never have them, so I don't feel that it was totally a lose, but I just feel... trapped.

 

 

 

416tara 416tara
41-45
Mar 3, 2009