If Just One Thing Or One Area Would Be Okay
That's what I tell myself. If just one area of my life were better or okay that would really help. But right now things are pretty much in the er...toilette' in every area. I have a good job that I am not really great at and find that the job really depresses me. I am trapped there though by the healthcare benefits and half way decent salary. I feel trapped by my debt which I am trying to dig out of but that takes time. I feel trapped by my health issues. I feel trapped by my body and my health issues. I also feel trapped by my very own personality. I'm not really good with small talk and with starting up conversations or making new friends. I try...I really do. But somedays I don't try at all I guess. I feel trapped in my relationships in real life. The relationships aren't bad but neither are they good. They are neutral entities revolving around my social atmosphere...neither close nor faraway....just there.
And in all these I have a clear understanding in my brain that it is God I should be turning to to solve these things. And when I'm in church that seems easy when singing praise songs and surrounded by Christians. But when I get home to my little lonely apartment and the soft blue light of my only companion...my puter...it all seems much harder. And God seems very far away and silent. And I wonder how long I will thrash around and cry and feel desparate before I figure out what He wants me to do here.