Trapped Inside My Own Head

If I were to make my own schedule, I'd keep a couple of hours open every day, during which I'd be free to think. The way my life is right now, however, there's scarecely enough room for work and studies, and the only time I have for my self, is the time I spend walking our dog. Then it's like my head's exploding with everything I want to think about, everything I do not want to think about, the things I fear and the things I want and pretty much everything inbetween. There's just not enough time for me to think things through, and I've learned to channel my thoughts into a couple of soothing patterns, just to avoid being more tense when I get back from my walk than what I was before leaving the house. Still, all those other thoughts keep buzzing around in the background, and frome time to time, they break the peacefulness I've forced upon my own mind.

Untill a couple of years ago, my grandparents lived in a nice little house close to the sea, with beautiful, woodclad mountains as a backdrop. This was where my mother grew up, and we've always spent our holidays there. But then they sold the house and moved away from the area, and I've finally realized that this is why I've felt so trapped lately. The thing is, when they lived in that little house, I'd spend a lot of time outside, climbing the mountain behind their house, at last reaching that nice place where I could sit comfortably and watch the whole area, see both theĀ  mountains on the other side of the bay and the sea melting into the sky in the distance... Later, I'd walk the dog and stop by a cliff by the sea and sit there, staring at the sun setting. Those to spots gave me (almost) peace. I felt free there (even though I was terrified because of the water, and always feared that I'd step on something slippery and fall into the sea... aquaphobia is so much fun...), I was alone and I could sit there, both on top of that small mountain and on the cliff by the sea, and just feel free. When they moved, I lost my two havens, and I've finally come to understand why my mom always has been going on about her need for freedom, her longing for seeing the world and being independent - It's not because she's so darned curious about how people live in China or Denmark, it's because she feels trapped at home. I don't think she has the same thinking-too-much-issue as me, but I do think that we have the same problem, which is scary, since that probably means I'll stay like this for the rest of my life!

As I wrote earlier, I'm good at controlling my mind. I'm never nervous before a big test, no matter how unprepared I am, or how curious. I know that the fear is there, but I simply choose not to listen to it, and I manage to stay calm, even though keeping myself together like that for any length of time wears me out. My mother, on the other hand, has no control over her thoughts and fears. If she's justĀ  a little anxious about something, she'll be unable to sleep, and she'll get awfully tense. The good thing is that she gets to think things through, and gets over it. My way of ignoring problems, however, doesn't solve anything, and I feel like there are walls of scary thoughts building up all around me. I don't have energy or time to go through them, and I daresay, I also lack the courage to do so.

People always tell me that my imagination is such a wonderful thing, that I'm so lucky because I can make up funny and absurd stuff without making an effort, and I usually tell them that hey, of course it's great - I have a lot of fun with my mind - as a kid, my mind played just a big part in the play as the toys, and I've managed to maintain that ability into adulthood, but there's a great downside too - the lack of borders within my mind makes room for so many scary thoughts! In my preteen years, I'd lie awake for hours after bedtime staring out window or at the bedroom door, fearing that something might come into my room through either of them. I still have a hard time closing my eyes, no matter when and where, I'm intimidated by the dark and I'm afraid of people. I don't even know what I'm so scared of - as a kid, I was afraid of zombies, but I've really gotten past that, and I find myself unable to pinpoint the source of all this fear - it's like some big, looming shaddow is lurking around inside my head, spreading its venom into perfectly innocent thoughts. I tend to think of my mind as a huge field of barley which expands every time I come up with something new. When I'm thinking about a certain thing, I have to walk across the field from one thought to the next, leaving a trail behind me, and the more trails I make, the easier it is for that big shadow to travel faster through my mind and fill every spot on its way with darkness. But then there's the chance that I'll discover that the thing casting this immense shadow is in fact a little speck that can easily be distroyed if I just have the time and courage to face my fears, battling the fear of the shadow being merely a messenger, with a far more intimidating fiend waiting in the darkest corner of my mind, watching my every move, controlling the limits of my thoughts, waiting for me to relax and open the gates believing that I've gotten rid of the scary stuff. And I'm afraid that this will lead to a life of nightmares worse than those I had as a kid, and a mind that's so terrifying that it'll drive me mad...

Nettle Nettle
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I think you are very .smart. You will get there. Perhaps feel your feelings <br />
when it is dark. Or maybe when you have a minute during the day, sit alone and<br />
just imagine the night. But inform a friend through -artifically ( you dont have to actually<br />
say to him/her they are there or what they need to do ) and ask " what am i feeling"<br />
" or crap it is getting to my chest or i am feeling anxious" and see where it might<br />
lead. Maybe you willl feel less anxious . Try to do it in small steps. Decensitize<br />
yourself. Pretend to share this with a friend (assuming they are in the room)<br />
It may help....give it a shot. It doenst work. Try scribing. You are creative ,i think <br />
you will get through this.<br />
:)

I have similar feelings. I often feel as if I have too many thoughts to occupy one mind.

Such depth...i am dumb! beautiful!!! ..........:)

Hi, and thank you for your comment :-) Unfortunately, your first comment didn't make it through the registration, and I'm of course curious about what you wrote ;-) Anyway, I'm glad my mind can be of help or inspiration!

Hi, not sure if my previous comment will go up since I had to register after writing it. I cant be moved to write it all again so, in case it doesn't go up...thank you for this post.