It Has Been A Very Long Two Years

Two years ago, my family chose to relocate in order for better job oppurtunities for my dad. Where I had previously lived, I made the best friends I have ever made and I fear that I may never have such good friends again. As a freshman in high school, I had been told that it does not matter that I was new. Everone is new as a freshman. This is not true, as I have found out. Groups of friends are had been long established. It was not that nobody was being friendly to me, I just went largely unnoticed because I was not part of a group, of course until someone needed something for me. I am the type of person who won;t refuse to help because I was raised to believe that it is just the right thing to do. However, while people now knew who I was, I was only seen as help. They needed help, but I needed friendship. The situation was not fair trade. I went my freshman year being known as helpful, kind, and respectful, but never once was I asked to do anything ouside of school by anyone. After a summer of isolation, I found that when I returned to school, the situation was the same except now my dad had lost his job. The reason we had moved no longer exisisted and I was still without any friends. I was able to do some serious bonding with my dad at this point, so friends were not as important, but it still hurt very much knowing what I had left behind and that I to tell how i felt. It was around this point in time that I did make a friend. He moved away two months after. I am back at school again, an I feel as though I have reached an endpoint. My dad is still unemployed. I still have no friends. I feel as though I am living my life for no one, and that my only function is to help the same people who do not appreciate me. This unstable state of mind is one that leads me to ask myself questions like "who would really miss me if I were gone?" and on the worst days "what is keeping me from blowing my brains out?". The answer of "things could be worse and they can only get better" has lost any real sense of meaning that it might have held at some point in time. As winter break approaches and my peers are worried about finals, I am worried about the negative impact of isolation over the long vacation. It has been a very long two years. I just want it to end.
rememberaa rememberaa
18-21, M
Dec 12, 2012